Regular Features

You know how you can revive a sleepy bee with a tiny teaspoon of sugar water? That works on us too. In fact, why don't you come round when this is all over and pipette some of that sweet shug-shug into our glug-glugs to give us the pep we need to get going in the morning? You have our express permission to appear by our bedside before dawn and intubate us with the holy syrup our bodies demand. It's what friends do. In this episode, Steve defrauds Catchphrase and Gav has clapped eyes on a big baby. Things may never return to the way they were. Love you.

It's more important than ever to keep your mind and body in tip top shape, so this week we bring you the full spectrum of mental and physical stimulation. Log titillates your retinals with his rainbow reviews, Joe speculates your imaginationoids with the peculiar views from his kitchen window, and Steve supplicates your glutinates with his intensive home workout routine. Thanks for everything. EDM Detection Mode by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/3687-edm-detection-mode License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Log runs us through his Zoom meeting bingo card, Steve is torn to shreds by the irradiating power of 5G masts, and Gav concludes the saga of his encounter with a blue tick scammer. This one gets *messy* towards the end, and for that we apologise, but all this social distancing malarkey makes us thirsty for friendship and vodka. Take us as we are, and never try to change us. Stay lovely.

No need to pack your tiger for this one, because this episode's got loads of them just lying around for free. Tigers in the rafters. Tigers in the floorboards. Tigers in the void between the walls. An entire tiger compressed into a bread bin who smiles at you when you open it in search of, well, it's gotta be tiger bread. It's tiger mania here in episode 391 the Regular Features podcast, PLUS a Gav feature about an Instagram scam gone very right. Thanks!

Hello again, it's us, dem boys with dem fancy teeth who keep comin round to fill up your brain with our special noises. In this episode, Log has tips and tricks for pivoting to pizza delivery, Steve has tips and tricks for when it is appropriate to be in the outside, and Joe has tips and tricks for the new video game about the horrible animals. Stay safe and wet those hands.

Due to a bad smell going around we're all locked indoors, so this week we bring you the first ever episode of Regular Features recorded using telephones and HTTP. If anyone ever called a bellend a "ham bell", then at this point I would write "we put the ham bell back into Alexander Graham Bell," but nobody calls it that so I won't. Gav has all the latest rationing hysteria from Facebook, Joe's top lip has gotten all hirsute and nice, and Steve delivers his top tips fer werkin ferm herm. Stay safe everyone.

In this episode, Log answers a decade old question about human Great Dane hybrid babies, Steve slips further into high-energy pandemic anxiety and Matt has an exclusive interview with the new health secretary. THANKS.

You've got a lot of nerve showing your face around here after what you did last week, buster. But since you're here we might as well snuggle into your earholes, on account of how warm it in inside your head. In this episode, Gav puts the doof in Dufresne, Steve gives proper hand washing instructions, and Joe attends heroically.

"Doctor! Doctor! They're finally waking up!" "Who is, nurse Hurdy-Gurda?" "The readers!" "Jesus Christ, I can't believe it! After all these years?" "It would seem so. What should we tell them?" "Get out of my way, nurse. Readers, you've been asleep for... well, a very long time. We've got flying horses these days, and phones are obsolete because we've all got antennae. Thankfully, one thing remains static: Regular Features, and this week Log, Steve and Joe are all talking about inuits, and noses and diseases and everything. Now for god's sake put some clothes on, you're embarrassing yourself."

Another insurmountable crisis has left our boys unable to meet - but THAT won't stop us! Let Steve take you on a super soaraway adventure in the highest place there is - space itself. Joe's feature brings us crashing back to earth, and Log's feature burrows as deep as humans have ever been - a wet cave. And it's all glued together with the highly sought-after voice talent of the sexiest man alive. Come, you spirits, that tend on mortal thoughts! Unsex me here, lest I blow my load on public transport Features this bit of music from the pervasively useful Incompetech: Study And Relax by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/5764-study-and-relax License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Steve has gone to see the Sonic movie, and Log has noticed that it was a bit blowy recently. What more do you want? Oh, you want a song and dance do you? You want bells and whistles? You want me on all fours, with a bell around my neck and a whistle jammed into my ass. What I'm getting from this entire conversation is that you want my flatulence to agitate a pea. Well it's not going to happen

I've got a tummy full of lentils and I'm ready to burn down a house. But before that, here's another episode of Regular Features. In this one, Log tries to clap eyes on a houseworth of elusive alpha boys, Steve tackles the insidious influence of Big Pharma, and Matt tests out Log's uncanny ability to commune with condiments. Wow!

This week Steve, Joe, Matt and Gav go on an adventure to space to meet a long lost Uncle and then crash back down to earth to deal with a naughty virus.

IT’S TIME ONCE AGAIN TO BECOME ONE WITH THE INEFFABLE COSMIC CLOUD THAT IS SOME FEATURES. SNIFF THE DIRTY SPACE DUST THAT CAME OUT OF THE PUSSY PALS. MARVEL AT THE NEBULAN LIGHTS COMING FROM A CONSTELLATION OF A WELL YOU ARE COMPELLED TO SMELL. BUY A TOUCAN LAMP. IT’S ALL GOOD BABY JUST BE COOL WITH IT.

"Get that Grizzly out of my sandwich stash, Mr Hargreaves - or I'll jam my Capri-Sun straw in his bunghole." This is just one of the things you'd have heard at our primary school, where one of the teachers was an unruly Bear. But after he let a starving child lick honey off his paw, everyone saw that perhaps he was a human being after all. Here have some brand new features! Including the return of TWO characters from TWO YEARS AGO! Who, you ask? Good question! We weren't sure either

Sound the horns, see the signs, taste the mud, smell a hedge, touch a friend, because this burr-rand new episode of the Regular Features podcast is a sensory overload. Log discovers a kindred soul with a love of big boys to match his own, Joe has unearthed Uri Geller's application to join the government, and Steve has invited an old food critic friend around to explain the latest culinary craze.

Welcome to the new Millennium. Here is a podcast that is exactly the same as it always was and always will be. We're not changing and if you ask us to we'll scream and we'll scream and we'll scream and then tell you to fuck off. HNY!! xx

We're in between Christmas and New Year's, in that curious period of time that lately has come to be known as St. Goochmas Week. Gav is walking Coco and talking loco, Steve is plane, train and automobiling himself entirely inside a National Express coach, and Joe reintroduces us to a very special Secret Santana. Happy Christmas, readers.

Hope you've got some paper towels ready, because it's time for another Regular Features, the wettest and heaviest podcast in town. This week, Joe and Gav investigate the wild world of minor celebrities openly debasing themselves for small amounts of money. And that is frankly all that's worth mentioning about this episode.

Have YOU voted in the 2019 election? If you have then here's a special podcast as a present just to say thanks.