Regular Features

Steve ranks a box of eggs. Joe got a big damn stink following him around. Gav has become infatuated with the rain. You can't say fairer than that, can you? If you can, if you're able to say fairer than that, please write to us and let us know how you did it, because we're stumped.

Grab the heaviest spoon in the kitchen and tuck into this week's big bowlful of ice cold Regular Features, fortified with so much vitamin BEE it will make your freakin' head spin off into a bin and the bin man come and he take it away. Wow! In this episode, Gav challenges you to name the cereal in his mouth, Steve has been forging documents, and a-Log-forever-on-the-backfoot scrambles to implement yet more last-minute government-mandated pandemic accommodations to his confused pub. PODCAST NOTES: The following illegal Nottingham pubs are not adhering to Public Health England's COVID-19 social distancing measures and should be reported to the police: The Crown and Two More Crowns — 35 Marrow Lane Juicy Susan's Inoteca — Unit H, Sneinton Business Park Crazy Brian's Electric Pub — 9b Forthwith Ave The King Walliams — Corner of 55th and Madison Brewdog Nottingham — 20-22 Broad St

In this episode? Joe's got saturated eggs from Morrisons. Steve confers the insatiable libido of Mister Game & Watch. And friend of the podcast Zim has an update on the status of his biggest boys.

In this episode, Log lines up his successor, Steve is confounded by the sheer number and variety of new Xboxes, and Gav presses the big red abort button on a feature too hot for even his tastes.

Open your hearts and close your eyes, fill your boots and empty your pockets, it's another episode of the Regular Features podcast. In this one, Joe's been eating in a dark room, Steve's been investigating his dentist's personal habits, and Log's courted sponsors of the dairy variety. My pasta is boiling over so I must stop writing this description x

Hey Google spiders, wrap your little legs around this bad boy. Steve lays out the steps required to properly disinfect a desk. HOW HIEGHT IS A TOM CRUISE. Gav's been off to see Tenet. BERNIE SANDERS NUDES PICS THANKS. And Log has had a visit from a detective horse who investigates cryptic murders. VIDEO OF CAT. Alright, we're done here. Wrap it up and let's go.

Every time I upload these episodes it asks me to select a genre, and so I scroll down to the "comedy" tag and select it with all the unearned confidence of a Jimmy Carr type person, boldly declaring that what we do is so categorically hilarious that an entire Amazon Web Services database needs to know about it. I am disgusting. Hello. In this episode, Gav is haunted by real sausages, real mash. Steve encounters a weirdo tutorial in Microsoft Flight Simulator. And Log is here too, an undercurrent of delight in a riptide of shite.

Look, can we just get past the fact that Log recorded the first two-thirds of this podcast underwater? It's really distracting from the fact that Steve learned loads about a Georgian gardener so that he could be really Irish again. And what about poor Joe? Joe read out an entire email, start to finish! Can he get some applause? No, because Log went underwater, then met a famous person who made him talk about men drinking pant-water. Typical.

Hope you're hungry, because we've cooked up a three course feature meal just for you. For your starter, Joe is not best pleased with the new voice of Kermit the Frog. For your side salad, Steve's been tucking into a government-funded Wagamama. And for your main? Oh no, Gav tripped and dropped his big pot of soup down an open drain, and now all mice and rats are drinking it. Whoops.

Look what the cat just dragged in: another episode of the Regular Features podcast. As if butter wouldn't melt. As if the cat that drags us around wouldn't use its hot cat breath to melt butter, given half the chance. Get a grip. Who do we think we are? Well we're Steve, Log and Joe, amd we've come back with features about beefeaters, CAMRA awards and an angry man from corporate who didn't sign off on anyone's teeth. Least of all yours.

Welcome back to the Regular Features lab where we build clones of the boys for each consecutive week of podcasting. Please WATCH YOUR STEP we spilled some of the juice that makes Log and it will try and slide up your trousers. Anyway, this week our latest batch of semi-conscious homunculi farted out some podcast or other. The Joe one talked about sucking on a PlayStation controller, the Steve thing wrote some popular new fiction about wangs, and the mess we call Gav says a dead man did some singing and then proved it. We've since incinerated them all. THANKS KEVIN MACLEOD: Night In Venice by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/5763-night-in-venice License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/ In Your Arms by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/3906-in-your-arms License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/ Sidewalk Shade by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/4354-sidewalk-shade License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/

[apologies for one CRACKLY mic, your headphones are FINE] Hey, it's another piping hot rod of Regular Features. You could set your watch to these recent few episodes, but it would be a very bad watch and you'd frequently show up to appointments days late, banging on the windows and demanding to be allowed inside for your mani-pedi or whatever it is that readers do these days. In this one: Log gingerly fingers his way through his drafts folder. Steve fingerly gingers his way through Rishi Sunak's new budget. And Joe smingerly dingers his twinger until it makes a real mess all over Jeremy Clarkson... in a Werner Herzog voice! Love ya x

Politics. It's bloody everywhere. Keir Starmer. Wow. In this episode of the Regular Features podcast, Gav's gone politics mad about a biscuit baby, Steve has an entire parliament of teeth to contend with, and Joe does some serious bee science. The ayes have it. Let's go.

So I guess we're doing another hundred of these things? Alright then. Easy. Doesn't even bother us. Gav digs up feature dregs from the bottom of the ideas barrel and dusts them off, good as new. Steve is being haunted by a horrible adult baby who lives under the sink. And Log prepares his pub for a socially distanced reopening. We hope you enjoyed the last 400 episodes half as much as you're going to enjoy the next 400. Thanks for all the support. We love you x

We did what no other podcast has the balls to do - a livestream live show! We're sad we couldn't celebrate in a pub with you guys but hopefully this is the next best thing. Because this is a live show, please excuse the odd audio glitch. Despite doing 400 episodes of this and inventing podcasting as a medium, we're still very much finding our feet when it comes to actually recording audio.

Guess what? It's us again. I know right? We're interminable. Can't keep us off this thing. In this episode, Gav fights back against unimaginatively titled porn parodies, Log discovers Dominic Cummings's old diary, and Steve finds a curious guest has been living in his plumbing.

Live show! 8pm BST, June 13th on our YouTube channel. We weren't here for you last week, so have a luxurious king size episode on us. Lay down on it baby, roll around, grind your muddy shoes into the sheets and just soak it all up at your own pace. 58 minutes, hoo-whee, that's long enough to make whoever edited it wonder if they left a big chunk of something in there that they shouldn't have. Gav's mam's got WhatsApp quibbles, Steve's left glute's got muscle troubles, and Joe's ears have got podcast bubbles. It's Regular Features, ahaaaa. Kept you waiting, huh? Sneaky Snitch by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/4384-sneaky-snitch License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Pot the reds then screw back for a brand new episode of the hippest podcast on the baize. It's Regular Features, you filthy little pocket botherers, and this week we've gone simply loopers for the ol' spoopers. The snockets, the cue stew, the hot pink smackers. It's SNOOKER baby, and that's all she wrote. Log's got a side-gig writing for right-wing journals. Joe is doing the snooker thing I just mentioned. And Steve's been watching too much RuPaul to do anything else of note. THANKS TO INCOMPETECH AS USUAL: The Entertainer and Gymnopédie No. 1 - Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Don't you just hate it when you get a duff Kinder Egg and the capsule is just full of matted old hair? Sure, you could try to prop the wiry tuft up next to your completed collection of Tiny Terrapins and pretend that all is well, but it just doesn't fit in, and to be frank, it stinks of petrol. Anyway. In this episode, Log recalls the times he met Joe, Steve recalls the time Stephen Hendry was trapped inside his own panic room, and Matt goes nips deep in the stalk market. Hell's bells, let's do this.

Here's a nice little edible arrangement for you. BITE into Log's feature about competitive horniness. SUCKLE on Joe's story of an elk in a department store. NIBBLE on Steve's heart-wrenching tale of horseloss. Then give us your biggest smile, because you're on camera baby. We're watchin ya!