Regular Features

Three people should equal three features, right? WRONG. Gav barely does anything in this one, Steve's strangely absent but Log saves it all with a sexy list.

Matt did something cool in real life and tells us about it like a big showoff, Gav has arsehole friends on Facebook so you don't have to, and Log discovers that simply walking around can throw anywhere up to TWO behavioural dilemmas into your path

A fortnight old encounter with a horse has Steve still running on equine feature fumes, while Log's pelvic altruism sees him donating every cubic inch of useful insides. Meanwhile Gav is... hold on, what the eff? WHO THE EFF??

With Gav and Steve shipping out to Iceland for a week of crazy horse adventures, the podcast team is torn asunder and the regularity of the now-reliably-weekly Regular Features falls into mild jeopardy. Can one hundred thousand kilometres of ocean or whatever it is stop us from bringing you the LATEST thing of the thing that we do? No! In a podcasting FIRST, we present the only podcast ever to have been recorded in two different places and then stuck together in our preferred audio editing suite. Enjoy.

Matt describes the quiet hostility of moving in with your partner, Steve undoes an ancient hex, and Log drops a "fuck you, I'm off" bombshell that's not quite as dramatic as it could be

Steve surprises Matt and Gav with some chocolate as they recount tales of spousal abuse and fainting in bed.

Log notices a similarity between this and his favourite podcast, while Gav asks us whether we're arseholes, by comparing our answers to a curiously specific checklist of observed behaviour.

The Roger Helmer newsletter saga comes to a delicious conclusion as the boys finally receive replies to the spoof newsletter they sent out to Rog's confused and bonkers fans.

The Regular Features team, in what courts will agree is their most co-operative act yet, send a fake newsletter to Roger Helmer's legion of UKIP followers. We'll say it straight up now so as not to disappoint: it doesn't arrive in their inboxes in time to make this episode the thrilling spectacle we had anticipated it might be. Log attempts to mitigate the boredom by playing a scratchcard AS LIVE. Can he succeed in rescuing the episode from the drudgery of increasingly bleak Gmail refreshes? You'll have to listen to find out!

Steve puts off sending the email that will land the Regular Features team in prison by adding yet more libellous garnish to his Roger Helmer newsletter, while Log reviews the curious case of Mister Catty, the cat everybody is suing everybody else over. Mister Catty! Do you know how much trouble you have caused? MISTER CATTY ARE YOU EVEN PAYING ATTENTION

Log comes in with a sick note from his tummy, which has been misbehaving in spectacular ways. Matt continues preparing us for our new Russian masters by trying to turn us all fascist, and Gav brings in a recording with a taxi driver who knows a little too much about aviation and women. God, you might as well not listen to it now

Gav diagnoses himself, Steve recounts awful oddballs from Starbucks, and Log takes us on a magical adventure into the games industry... IN SPACE.

Matt provides advice for after the UK's inevitable surrender to Russia and details the first stages of The Great Bin War, Steve reads out his first draft of his Helmer newsletter, and Log gets informed he's an alcoholic just like everybody else.

I put the microphone on the right setting this time, so cool your pies and ladle a hot scoop of this omnidirectional audio into your hungriest holes. Moor our podbarge in your ear canal and we'll waive the docking fee cos you're nice. Yeah download the file and hoof it right into your brain come on come on, I don't have all day.

Gav indirectly murders a woman by alerting her captors to his discovery of their secret dungeon in the flat below his. Steve feigns competence in yet another aspect of his life. Log sits in the corner in a big Victorian ruff, dispensing pink champagne truffles like birdseed, each swing of his arm becoming more and more exaggerated until he tumbles forwards from his stool, yelping in pain and confusion as his helpers rush in to assist. Welcome to this week's Regular FEatuutuers. x

Do you want hear about Steve's juicy, bruised buttock? Do you want to listen to an innacurate and poorly acted tribute to Philip Seymour Hoffman? If so, you have a peculiar set of desires. Is there nothing else you want from life? And how will you find the energy to go on, after this podcast utterly sates the sum total of your needs? Will you still even exist? Find out!

What do barges, toilet cubicles, men with spotty backs and enchanted Japanese water have in common? Absolutely nothing! That's not how this podcast works, you should understand that by now.

Gawping at testes without written permission, refusing to give up a table, and how to appropriately try and seduce a professional working within the games industry. Special thanks to Ultra Combo! (https://soundcloud.com/ultraultraultra)

A mysteriously terrified dog, sexual frustration in a pitch-black cupboard, and extensive wanking chat. This is Regular Features by-the-numbers. Textbook stuff, really. Tired. Total waste of time.

For one festival, Steve took up an unenviable tenancy: a short-term leasehold in the centre of a turd hurricane. He tells us his story, and it goes on for the whole fucking podcast. Enjoy. Enjoy it.