Regular Features

In this episode we finally investigate and uncover Matt Lees's intense hatred of widows, a full woman-blasting fury so all-consuming that he even hates windows, both for sounding a bit like "widows" and for allowing widows to look through walls, something Matt believes they should not be allowed to do, considering what they are. Gav also tells the story of how he first met Log, and Steve provides the floundering #gamergate movement with some out of context audio ammunition. Eat it up, sucka.

Matt prepares a humble speech for an award ceremony he can't attend, Gav follows a stranger around an awful art exhibition, and Steve investigates the chilling world of Boots product reviews.

They're big, they're long, they've all got massive schlongs! Regulaaaaaar Featurrrrrres! Steve risks his life to illegally drive a car, Log's dog is acting up and God only knows what Matt was talking about but it goes on for AGES.

Well crumbs and titties, it turns out that Team Features couldn't get together to record a podcast this week, and now, without our combined energies to stabilise it, the power crystal at the heart of our fortress shines wanly. It's wan as balls and no mistake. To appease the podcast spirits and rejuvenate our withered life force we've instead put together a very spesh compilation episode made up of features from the past. That's right, when we repeat features and contravene the founding rules of our own podcast, we really go for it.

Literally no idea what happened in this one. Sorry.

Hey, did you know? There are exactly as many members of Regular Features as there are Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Our weapon proficiencies roughly match up too. Log, for example, is *such* a Michelangelo, but rather than using dual nunchucks he prefers to fight with a bo staff, which you'll note is typically the weapon used by Donatello. Besides that one discrepancy we are identical in every way.

Three out of the four chaps perform live guff with the aid of an ACTUAL ROBOT. Worth watching in video form, if you'd like to do such a thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFyx6Xp4zDI&feature=youtu.be

Steve reinvents #travelawks, Gav gives sage advice to the world, Matt finds literature on the tube, and Log commentates full Olympic-grade sex between him and Steve, causing members of the live audience to physically leave.

Matt arrives back from America with tales about how he played around with bombs and Obama, Gav wants to clarify social etiquette regarding cafes and cups of tea, and Steve is trapped in an unending nightmare that even the King's greatest wizards seem unable to prevent. Will our adventurers find the crystal and save Steve from the nightmare realm? Find out in Issue #2.

All rules are off in this bleak and lawless post-centenary comedown, as Log's audacious series of Doctor Who scripts skirts the closest we've yet come to repeating a feature. Meanwhile Gav plomps through a timehole to the 1950s, returning with a lovely story about how people are shit. Also! Tombola time! We spin the prize tombola and give away an incredible sack of goodies to one of our beautiful patrons! Who could it be? Could it have been you? It almost certainly could have been! You can support Regular Features on Patreon by visiting http://www.patreon.com/regularfeatures if you like! (YOU DO LIKE)

It was never meant to be like this: we were going to have a meet-up with some Patrons (and associated freeloaders), then retire to a room after closing time to have a private podcast in a lovely shut pub. Instead, we got so excited that we ended up doing a spontaneous live show. So here is Episode 100, in all its hastily rewired and hard-to-fathom majesty - LIVE from the Darts Room of The King Billy pub on Manvers Street, Nottingham! Matt pores over our early Google Hangouts from 2011, Steve relives a feature that was lost, back in the day when we regularly deleted podcasts, Gav finds out how much we've learned about each other on our long and gruelling journey to 100, and Log reads through the titles of all 100 Police Academy movies. You can support Regular Features on Patreon by visiting http://www.patreon.com/regularfeatures if you like! (YOU DO LIKE)

As we speed faster and faster towards our glorious Regular Features centenary, we unceremoniously stall the podcast engine, forcing us to pull over on to the information superhighway's hard shoulder for this very special emergency prolongation episode. Steve, Gav and infrequent interloper Joe Skrebels dish up an echoey slice of audio to tide you over until next week. It's niney nine poin nine, ladies, so slop it up. You can now support Regular Features on Patreon, if you like: www.patreon.com/regularfeatures

Would you like a flake with this shit joke, sir? No? Oh dear. Well, prepare to hear the team make that exact same shit joke again, while Steve takes us through Driving Theory, Log recounts the specific reasons why Steve refuses to sleep with him, and Matt desperately tries to stop people from inviting Gav to weddings.

In this truth-led special, Gav quizzes Log on his knowledge of the law as it pertains to pubs, Steve tells the true story of Quorn, and his conversion to a meat-eating subsection of vegetarianism, and Log imagines a book about a woman having sex with a bear, because it's way easier than actual research

After a full week's run of 'episodes that don't contain Matt', this week's episode is mostly Matt talking to Log about Glastonbury. It turns out that without at least two people glaring at him to shut the fuck up, it's something that simply doesn't happen.

After the live show, comes the traditional hangover. No features, no jingles, and I'll even go as far as to say no Matt Lees. Just dullened patter from three men who are reaping a whirlwind with their tiny weather scythes

Live and unedited, because who can be arsed with *that*. Matt collides European music with hurled confections, Steve conducts a live action game of Fantasy Football, Gav commits a treachery so profoundly recursive that it makes good men evil, and Log says goodbye. For about twenty minutes. One word, twenty minutes. Also we got hijacked by a loyal and generous reader

Is it pronounced Ginster's or Jinster's? We say it every way in this, the ninety fifth episode of the podcast what we have been doing.

Matt and Steve dial themselves ACROSS THE GLOBE to collect the precious mind-fluids of Log and Gavin. Will they restore peace to the land before the horcrux shards fall into evil hands?

Team Features is on ACTUAL holiday, broadcasting AS LIVE from sunny Sitges, where Matt is being omni-molested in both the eyeballs (with an unbidden sighting of a rough anus on waking) and then right on the male penuz what he's got. That's why you can hear birds in this episode, because apparently Spanish birds love nothing less than honking, hooting and tweeting into our microphones while we're tryiiinngg to do a podcaaaast you guuuuuys.