Regular Features

It's been a bad day, please don't take a picture. Please, it's my last picture. It's the only remaining picture I have of my dead wife. Please, man who is repossessing my home because I am depressed and out of work, do not take this picture of my dead wife. It is worth nothing to you. What's that? Did this unassuming podcast description just unlock a cool and original new way of interpreting the lyrics to the song 'Bad Day' by REM? Yeah it did, you better believe it booyyyy. This episode has Joe, Steve and Gav in it. Joe does a ouija board, Steve investigates alternate timelines and Gav badmouths a fish. Have fun.

Gav's got the cure for arachnophobia, Log finds a sitcom he wrote when he was 16 and Steve brings in another guest who manages to outshine us all.

With Log and Steve left to their own devices, what will happen in this - the first 100% gay episode of Regular Features? Will there be gay goings on? Will gay things occur? Will a gay bird fly into the room and make gay cawing sounds on the radiator? ANYTHING GAY COULD HAPPEN AND YOU ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT

Matt fills up the entire bloody podcast with a hunk of Sonic the Hedgehog filth. We're entirely sorry and completely understand if you want your money back. You can't have your money back, of course, but we can understand why that's a thing you might want.

After one failed feature, Steve talks about a traumatic injury to his gigantic eyeballs. Gav recalls a traumatic injury to a social situation, caused by his own behaviour, and Joe Skrebels causes traumatic injuries to Regular Features, by showing us all up for the low-effort amateurs we are. BONUS FUN!!! Can you spot Log's hidden secret feature?

Don't stop til you get enough, sang Michael Jackson. Enough is enough, sang Barbra Streisand. The world is not enough, sang Shirley Manson out of the band Garbage. Enough is as good as a feast, is a thing your mum might say. Un oeuf is French for "a egg". The point I'm trying to make is that it's episode 126 of Regular Features and nothing you can say or do will ever change that. Log doles out gifts, Matt sets Gav up on simul-dates and Steve does that thing where you repeat the same joke over and over again until it stops being funny and then becomes funny again. Aw yeah, eat it up, here's a fork.

Matt solves Log's catering problems, and Log populates every Patron's sexual kiss fantasia

Gav wants to date a hipster and Steve's gone Corrie mad. This one's for you, Deirdre.

Matt thinks he's special because a prostitute likes him, Gav's a dick to a stranger (for a change) and Steve writes some better Black Mirror plots than the people who are paid to do it.

Why yes that IS the best title we've had in ages. In this episode of the podcast, Log asks: "are you napping too much?", Matt wonders: "have I triggered all of my sleeper agents of 2014?", while Steve queries: "what happens at the tops of stairs in Coronation Street?" All of those questions are answered and more in this very hungry and sort of sad sounding episode.

A series of unfortunate events (starting with us putting Gav on editing duties for New Year's Day) has resulted in us losing this week's episode to some gremlins. So this week, Gav's whacked together some of our favourite bits from the last year into one file for you. Normal podcasting services will resume next week.

Welcome to this very special episode of Regular Features, in which Matt discovers the true meaning of Christmas, Steve discovers the true meaning of Christmas and as for Log, well, you'll just have to wait and find out! (He discovers the true meaning of Christmas). In fact, all o dem boys be learnin bout Christmas, and now YOU CAN TOO. Merry Christmas from Team Features!

Gav brings up a magician from the past, Steve has dire warnings from his driving instructor, and guest Joe provides a "choose your own god" adventure quiz thing.

Steve recounts the final hours of two robotic friends in space, Matt helps out a fellow comic in need, and Gav gets into an argument about how many letters are in a word.

Sad news folks. Owing to an unavoidable technical glitch that made us all sound like dirty robots we've had to humanely destroy the *real* episode 117, so instead here's a collection of classic features from the archives. From episode 36, Gav's story about a slurry pervert. From episode 45, Steve and Log's time travelling jokes. From episode 8, Matt's story about an island of Richards.

Matt fails to understand the science behind medical technology and tries to replace it with half-baked whimsy, Steve and Gav have an argument about the Jurassic World trailer that sort of stems from nowhere and doesn't initially appear to be a proper feature, and Log pretends to be angry in the back of a taxi - ALL IN SEQUENCE FOR YOUR EAR-BASED PLEASURE.

Lift up your jumper and slap your belly to the beat of the rhythm of heart of the night, because it's a one-off voicemail special that's all about YOU. That's right! YOU, the READER, are the star of the show as we read out the voicemail messages you left on our website not seven months ago. Did you think we'd forgotten about that? Hah, no way! Have some faith, we're beginning to think you doubting Jennies don't deserve our magical one-off voicemail specials.

What do Log and Steve both have in common with the friendly and hard-working bee? Well, just like the bee, both Steve and Log cannot drive a car to any sort of standard that the law would term "basically competent". Also like a bee, Steve and Log can only sting you once before dying. :( In this motoring special, Steve recounts the story of how he failed his first driving test, while Log presents a revealing exposé of the special class for murderous speed freaks he was required to attend in order to avoid having points on his licence. Matt, having sadly not received the memo, does a feature about bees.

"Who wants a Ding Dong?!" Haha! Classic Regular Features. But if you don't know what a Ding Dong is or who's offering you one or whether you want one, then you probably missed our GameCity live show last weekend. Luckily for YOU, we have recorded it on 2D soundribbon, ready to be barked back into a three dimensional noisewave by the speaker system of your choice. What happened? Well, Log reunited the readers with some obscene and long lost friends, Steve cleared up precisely what happened when Roger Helmer visited a sex dungeon, Gav determined if the audience have a drinking problem while Matt measured jugs of our piss for science and entertainment.

In this episode of the podcast that is called Regular Features, Steve fleshes out the Wikipedia entry for Chain Reaction, while Gav tells the story of a man whose flesh is out in Wales. Which one results in an anti-social behaviour order? You'll have to listen to find out! Log and Matt also contribute, heroically.