I Love My Shepherd

Special guest Chris Kennedy, Pastor and Author Chris’s book, Grace Under Pressure - https://amzn.to/3FBrdU2 (associate link)   Proactive v reactive approach Proactive = investing in taking care of ourselves, our emotions, our whole selves to be able to live in the moment more authentically as ourselves and in what we value/believe Reactive = awareness of emotion when it comes up   Tip 1 - Attend to and nurture The environment Relationships Internal needs Growth mindset – realist outlook + everything is redeemable   Tip 2 – Hold the tension of love with your frustration or anger   Tip 3 – Remember “more than they deserve” Tip 4 – Non-judgment – grace and truth with the understanding that God is judge, not me Tip 5 – Notice other people Tip 6 – values and faith as driver, emotion as information to process Shame Tip 7 – careful of pouring yourself out to the last drop, we are human   The impact of shame and guilt on our internal processing of anger “Holding It Lightly” from dialectical behavior therapy The pur

How do I find more happiness? Happiness is a momentary emotion, as all emotions are, time oriented, even as a mood   Tip 1 - Look for happy moments, not a vague ongoing experience   Defining – emotion related to joy, gladness, satisfaction, or wellbeing Related to confidence or satisfaction with a moment, a person, a situation   Tip 2 – avoid all or nothing thinking Allow and acknowledge several emotions in your system at one time Value all the emotions   Tip 3 – We’re ok v. Yay! Positive psych and researching the experience of happiness Hedonia and eudaimonia – pleasure v meaning Markers of happiness = relationships, purpose, meaning/gratitude/mindfulness, physical health   Tip 4 – Don’t force it   Tip 5 – Know your values to find your eudaimonia happiness Purpose and pleasure, skill and fulfillment DBT values word list available to subscribers at heidigoehmann.com in December     Research: https://positivepsychology.com/predictors-of-happiness/ Waterman, A. S. (2013). Eudaimonia: Contrasting two conceptions

How do I tell the difference between my anxiety and my child’s?   Attachment relationships are more connected for regulation The value of presence The detriment of sponging emotion   Tip #1 – adults can bring the emotions to consciousness for kids Notice and name the emotion in the room Also helps us differentiate between my emotion and someone else   Tip #2 – go out into nature/Creation to release some emotion Link to forest therapy info: https://www.natureandforesttherapy.earth/   Tip #3 – know your own “stuff” (triggers, concerns, traumas)   Tip #4 – do not assume an emotion, ask about an emotion   Tip #5 – Be aware of triggers with no shame Practice accountability with kindness “I am uncomfortable. I want to hear what you have to say. I want to know what’s going on with you. The way it’s coming out is challenging for me.”   Tip #6 – hold the duality of parental responsibility with deep parental love and connection Common questions: will they be ok? Will I mess them up? What am I missing? Give yourself spa

How do I help my loved one when they are sad?   Differences in sadness and sorrow definition relationship to distress and emotion regulation   Elevated, heavy feelings – sadness, guilt, remorse/regret, powerlessness -       Time oriented, long suffering, pain taking time -       Death, change, trauma, heartbreak, injustice, loss, disappointment, bad luck, trouble   Consider the moments when someone becomes aware of something challenging No fixing acknowledgement goes a long way let these emotions be a process let people’s emotions, including our own be complicated and layered let it be seen by God with someone invite that person into regular life things    2 Corinthians 1:3-4, God of all comforts, God of all, but especially of comfort Psalm 18:6-8, God’s anger at what makes us sad or hurt     Resources: https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/sorrow-an-acknowledgment https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/honoring-our-sorrow-sadness-amp-tears-a-scripture-list-for-lent https://www.kfuo.org/2020/01/20/coffee-hour-0120

Listener question: How do I have a conversation with someone I disagree with when I feel passionately about something?   Annoyed, accosted, attacked, or acknowledgment – honoring people’s passions while setting our own boundaries   Tip 1 – root around your belief systems and consider how it impacts people   Tip 2 – use words to state our emotions as well as our thoughts   Define Zeal -       great energy or enthusiasm for a cause of goal (google) -       eagerness and ardent interest in something (webster) -       fervor, determination, combined with kindness equalling great devotion (urban dictionary) -       related to passion that is hard to govern   Tip 3 - What is the love within this? What is the fear within this? -        Tip 4 – reserve zeal for injustice to give power to the marginalized Tip 5 – hate doesn’t help -       Ted Lasso – Be curious, not judgmental     Tip 6 – You can have boundaries Opt out of conversations – place for avoidance and distraction, change of focus Opt of relationships

Listener question: How do I have both empathy and boundaries? Article on empathy and boundaries at heidigoehmann.com - https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/the-savior-complex-empathy-without-boundaries  The difference between “hey, hold my emotions” and “withness” Cognitive empathy: Do they need us to see their perspective? Listen and ask questions about what they are thinking and how they see the world and their current experience.  Emotional empathy: Do they need us to see their feelings? Listen and ask questions that help them name their emotions and give a space to honor them without judgment.  Boundary #1 – self-differentiation Boundary #2 – no drama making, honor the degrees of separation Boundary #3 - know your lens: perspective, bias, and assumptions Boundary #4 – empathy doesn’t fix people Boundary #5 – know your bandwidth  Boundary #6 – be yourself in your kind and compassionate clothing Boundary #7 – recognize all of our capacity for suffering   Mental Health Tool - Gut check practice Ser

How do I get more pleasure in my life and relationships? Getting past the word pleasure - Culture and church cringy word, kind of awkward, vaguely sexual  Pleasure definition = enjoyment, satisfaction 1 - Look for pleasure to be relationship focused 2 - ask deeper questions about pleasure 3 - pleasure in balance with other emotions 4 - noticing skills   3 stages of pleasure: Wanting – expectation/anticipation, pursuit/drive Liking – sensation experience of pleasure, hedonistic hotspots in the brain Learning – brain updating information, making future predictions; brain begins linking neurotransmitters that were harder to link before     Resources: Altogether Beautiful video on expanding our understanding of pleasure 45 sec Preview: https://youtu.be/902FvFLwbA0?si=P8irRsjz0AH2ZQXj https://vimeo.com/ondemand/altogetherbeautiful/260826340 https://www.apa.org/science/about/psa/2004/11/berridge https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-cultures/202107/the-new-neuroscience-pleasure

Welcome back! The Life in Relationship Podcast answers one relationship question in each episode. We are looking forward to sharing Season 6 with you. This season we are answering relationship questions all about Emotions to celebrate Heidi's book release of Emotions & the Gospel: Created for Connection. Emotions covered include: pleasure, anxiety, happiness, sadness & sorrow, frustration, zeal, and empathy. Join us for episodes dropping in September. Submit your relationship questions at lifeinrelationshippodcast@gmail.com. See you soon!

Topic: Topic: How do you break up well?How do I know it’s healthy to start dating again after a divorce or breakup?   The weightiness of breakups Reminding us of our need as humans for intimacy There are ways to do break ups “better”, but no way to do it “easy”   Keep it classy, kind, and clear Break ups are in a moment, but the work of a break up is long term face to face universally preferred in the research What do you need and what needs healing? Find your support people Consider the impact on relationships beyond yourself   Allow for emotions Give opportunity to process for yourself and your break up partner let complex emotions be there, just listen and then move forward Own what needs to be owned, don’t own what isn’t yours Dave’s wisdom = “It’s not you, it’s us.” space before friendship Happier music video: https://youtu.be/m7Bc3pLyij0   Give yourself time and space for the grief Set needed boundaries Homeostasis, getting to normalcy and comfort Pay attention to your internal dialogue and engag

How do partners take care of each other when they have a baby?   1 – Learn together, about baby and each other What are your unique challenges?   Gender role complications Awareness of shifts and changes with each baby Embrace flexible curiosity Make space and room for letting the baggage come out     2 – hold the good and bad together for and with another Acknowledge the impossibility of the unpredictable nature of parenting   Some common anxieties: Exhaustion Anxiety about infant or just life Changes in other relationships (boundaries with others) What support is available Physical touch and sensory overload Uncertainty of needs – other and within self Communicating about something so new Losing who I am outside of parenting     3 – Notice where your partner needs and respond to each other with grace Hormone changes and adjustment for both partners sleep deprivation messes with you validate and offer small touches to ground partner notice mess and mindfully notice joy Caring for each other outside of mot

Topic: Where do I turn if I’m wrestling with my faith?   Intro: special guest Tanner Olson, Written to Speak, the poetry master   Wrestling can be scary, but healthy Can feel like a journey, a battle, a dessert, normalcy, mediocrity Common Questions: Is God still who He says He is? Is God still close to me? Validating your questions and feelings goes a long way in making wrestling feel safer Keep talking to God – step toward relationship and revelation, getting to know God rather than always answering the whys     Wrestling can bring growth and depth of faith Find people you can talk to about the questions and wrestlings Making peace with wrestling as part of the faith process Research studies reveal wrestling as a widely experienced phenomenon: Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2839364/ Barna - https://www.barna.com/research/two-thirds-christians-face-doubt/ Study of Islam - https://yaqeeninstitute.org/read/paper/what-causes-muslims-to-doubt-

Topic: How do I talk to someone I love who is struggling with their mental health? Intro: Changing stigma towards mental health Step 1 - changing our beliefs Step 2 - changing our actions related to beliefs 2019 APA survey: https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2019/05/mental-health-survey   What is my relationship with this person? (4:30) Relationship = vulnerability + boundaries Where are they at? Consider the person’s willingness to have the conversation Can they see the concerns or are they mostly unaware? Use the phrase – “I’ve noticed” or “Have you noticed…” Start with culturally normative symptoms or what might be easiest from them to hear Shift our own understanding about mental health as part of everyone’s everyday life   Get some info for yourself Nami - https://nami.org/Support-Education and Mental Health First Aid and Fresh Hope groups recognize our own anxieties about mental health Mental Health First Aid: https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/take-a-course/find-a-course/ Determining a

Topic: How does a family adjust to someone becoming an adult? Developmental realities, independence and angst The reality of Young Adulthood – How do I access independence? A Story: getting your first cold and/or changing your major in college   Tip 1 – Celebrate small things of young adulthood baby steps reminds us we are capable telling each other you are capable = part of family life   Tip 2 – be mindful of the stages of parenting parenting changes over time and with developmental levels of kids   article from Berkley calls the last state a “guide” https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/three_ways_to_change_your_parenting_in_the_teenage_years making decisions for small children, to making decisions but offering choices, to making decisions with your child, supporting decisions alongside your child   Tip 3 – be interested in one another as people find some new rituals and traditions as well as new ways to connect spiritually 4 areas to grow as family members grow – emotions, routines, freedom,

Question: How do we split up “the chores” of a household? For marriage, roommates, families, etc. Dave & Heidi housekeeping love story Gottman research, wives find spouse doing housework erotic Link: https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-typical-solvable-problems-relationships/   do what works, not what is expected Identifying expectations from other places – culture, family of origin, assumptions equality doesn’t mean 50/50, it’s seeing each other as equals there is no perfection in chore life: dailyness of life together in a household and the value of working on the daily things together even when they aren’t fun name your own expectations and desires: what needs to be done? How often? On certain days? etc. avoid extreme chore mentality consider the mental energy of appts and schedules and bills, etc, outdoor/indoor “I need you to participate more fully in (fill in the blank)” building your family culture: we all live here, we all have jobs to get the stuff of life done   talk about it, write it down,

Question: How do we come to terms with the closure of a childhood friendship? What are ways to find contentment and peace when that friend no longer reaches out to us? Submitted by listener, Emily    our childhood BFFs Research moment: 1 in 10 friendships survive into adulthood   Children practice being a friend and there’s a learning curve. Children are learning how to be humans and learning relationship is part of that. Cultural misunderstandings – childhood friendships are backbones of our relational lives Research shows that having childhood friendships matters, but social support is what really has an impact longitudinally. Study with middle schoolers: http://www.llcsjournal.org/index.php/llcs/article/view/214 Learning the effort of friendship from models and mentors in our lives Naming the complexities of relationship for one another   Friendship sometimes lasts for a moment, a season, or a lifetime. Some friendships will end, every friendship doesn’t have to be a lifetime relationship The diff

The Life in Relationship podcast answers one relationship question in each episode. Our goal is more genuineness and authenticity in each of our relationships each day. Hear more about the new format on this short trailer and start submitting your questions to lifeinrelationshippodcast@gmail.com. People are always worth the trouble and relationship is worth the effort.

The epistles are what I like to think of as “big-word books.” They teach us about abstract concepts like propitiation, redemption, atonement, and righteousness. This can be intimidating, but also enlightening.   Today’s spiritual practice gives us grace for when we encounter big words in Scripture or big ideas. Our goal today is to also build our ability to sit in not knowing “the answer” and discovering new ideas about God or new understanding in our relationship with God by simply engaging with His Word.   A Reading from Jude from the ESV translation             Dave’s contemplation:             Blaspheme             Predictions of the apostles             Names in the passage    The practice: Read through one of the letters of the New Testament or a chapter of the Bible (Romans is always a good place to start if you aren’t sure where) Focus on a word or phrase you don’t understand or are simply intrigued by   Tips: Look at context Scripture interprets Scripture Look up cross references in your study Bi

Always Growing: The Spiritual Practice of Adventure Practices for spiritual growth – always focusing on drawing near Greg Finke = Where are we going today, Jesus? Joining Jesus on His mission - https://amzn.to/3u5JAcb God wants to do daily life with us – Name 3 places you go in your day or week that God goes with you Life is an adventure – Seeing the adventure right where you are at What adventures can you spot in your own home or family? How do we encounter trouble in our daily life? How do we encounter questions and searching? Where do we encounter resolution and restoration? Where do you see God sending people to help you along the way? The Open Hands - Slowly read through a short passage in the Gospel accounts. Who is Jesus connecting with in this account? Where is He going? What is He doing and/or saying? Open your hands up and ask God where He would like to send Jesus into the world, through you today. How is the Holy Spirit faithfully directing your words in daily conversations? Remembering experienc

Episode 16 – Always Growing: Practices for Spiritual Growth being with God v. producing something for God We can be doing all kinds of things for God, but very little to draw near to God.   Today and to come: four practices for drawing near useful every day and especially useful for connecting to God in and around our challenges Thanks to CPH for letting me pull apart this article and use it a little more.   What are your practices for drawing near to God? Organic as well as intentional Being aware/conscious in our traditions   Where does the growth from your daily practices/yearly practices come from? Which are adding growth and awareness and which are added extra?   Reading God’s heart rather than about growth   Gottman Sound Relationship House Theory - https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-is-the-sound-relationship-house/ Drawing near = connecting with God, building love maps with God, rituals of connection with God   What is stopping us from drawing near to God? Identify your barriers Where is God working to

Special guest: Rev. Michael Newman   Tell us about yourself and your journey with grief.   What aspects of grief make growth challenging? “big” and “small” loses Grief upon grief + grace upon grace Lack of cultural methods for honoring grief shame/disempowerment in loss and grief     Relational resources designed to be shared Hope When Your Heart Breaks doses of God meeting you in darkness and pain of grief for self, for others good choice   Getting through Grief adult and youth version charting a course – 8 gifts God gives to help us through grief conversation, forgiveness, love, hope, faith, community, purpose, presence   What practices help us connect to God, rather than turning away from God, in our grief? Time to be in God’s presence Dialogue with God Watching for God’s work   Tell us about any particular resources you would recommend for grieving and growth.  Resurrection story of Jesus Joy of the Lord is our strength Romans 8 Lazarus Jacob wrestling with God “Struggle Well” - https://amzn.to/38D6N