Regular Features

Come, come inside my fortune telling tent young man, or is it young woman? My wizened old crone eyes can't see too well these days. What... "crone"? No, no it's fine, I can say it because I am one, it's our word. No, yeah I know it's rooted in misogyny. We're reclaiming it, sort of like "queer". Oh god sorry I didn't realise you were queer. Oh god I've said it again. Right, turn over your cards. There. You'll meet a tall handsome stranger on a blimp, now get out of my tent. In this two-boy fiasco of an episode, Steve gets into an argument with his neighbours about dog wets. Joe takes Red Dead Redemption 2 to the westest end there is: West End. Welcome to Your Westworld (ID 1334) -Remastered by Lobo Loco is licensed under a Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.

I am REALLY gassy right now. Log does Mandalorian via Pussy Pals. Steve does meat of the week. Matt been stench in p*******. God, I am so gassy.

Here it is! Somehow Joe and Gav got invited back to the British Kebab Awards to report from the frontlines on all the going ons from the biggest night of the meat calendar. justgiving.com/donate-a-doner If you enjoyed this episode please consider donating to the incredible Donate-a-Doner charity to help the victims of the earthquake that affected Syria and Turkey.

Hoik up your britches and join us in the Regular Features tide pool, but mind you don't step on a hermit crab or one of those cool wet slugs. They were here first and we are their guests in the tide pool. We must always remember that the wet slug is our hostess. Write it down. Write down in your copybook that the wet slug is your hostess before you get into the tide pool. In this episode, Joe is visited by a Babadook who wants to set the record straight. And Steve's received a newsletter from Roger Helmer with some top ideas about where to house asylum seekers. Log? Well, Log attended. He was *there*. You can't take that away from him.

Right on the heels of Episode 522 - it's Episode 523! 522 has ducked into a back alley in an attempt to escape the inevitable, but 523 has locked onto their scent. 522 looks around for anything they could use as a weapon, as the slobbering 523 approaches, dragging its lame, smoky leg across the hot cobbles. It's been injured in the chase, and 522, for the first time, notices a sense of profound sadness in its lumbering gait. It takes no pleasure from this process. It is simply how things must be. It is no consolation. 522 rattles the wire fence at the end of the alleyway, more out of a sense of dramatic spectacle than any hope of escape. They can feel their fight draining, their joints stiffening: they had nine days, longer than perhaps they should have had. 523 squirms and twists through the puddles like a fleshy ampersand, and wraps its shapeless mouth around 522's bare feet. After just hours of mute protest, 522 is devoured. 523 must rest for now. Tomorrow it will dance, and drink, and truly taste -

No, it's not the Kebabbies episode just yet. That meaty boy is still percolating in our collective guts, and it will come blasting out at you when you and we least expect it. In this one, Log has been spitting rhymes in Assassins's Creed Valhalla, Joe has been measured to within an inch of his life at the tailor, and Steve was moved to burps by Brendan Fraser's Oscars speech.

When you wish upon a star, does it come true? It hasn't for me, so far. I'm only asking to test the "makes no difference who you are" hypothesis. I mean it'd be a *bit* annoying if we've all been sucked in by an international wish-granting scam. But it'd be absolutely galling if I was the only sap diligently facing his wish mat towards Orlando and NOT getting his fondest wish granted. (My fondest wish, in case you were wondering, is to see a punk help an old lady cross the road in Piccadilly Circus, like they used to in the '80s.). If you HAVE had a wish granted on a star, the Kilroy team would like to talk to you. In this two-boy lesstravaganza, Steve has had his nail bit to shreds by a friend's dog, and Log has noticed a very old song leaves uses frustratingly vague language with regards to the villain of the piece: to wit, who left that cakey boy all out in the wet wets? It's his hackiest bit yet! (I'm allowed to say that, I am him) Meanwhile, If you want to read a blog written by a Christian in 2010 th

Do you think they added the "and decorator" bit to "painter and decorator" because people kept accidentally booking watercolourists to come in and do the spare room? Like these painters kept showing up with their easels, and the person's like, "you won't be needing that buddy-boy, here's some Farrow & Ball", and then we cut to the Tate Modern and there's a contractor rolling a second undercoat on to a Rothko while the guards try to rugby tackle him. Anyway in this one Joe overhears a fleshy conversation on the tube. Steve's been to see ABBA Voyage. Gav has a Kebab Awards update.

Wham! Bam! Thank you, ma'am. Yes, thank you for participating in the annual whamming and bamming contest. Now who's next. Wham! Thank you sir, but I'm afraid you're disqualified. You forgot to bam. No you can't go again. In this one, Log finds romance in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Joe investigates our disappearing kebab retweets. Steve eats a Dorito. Thanks! "Tenebrous Brothers Carnival - Act Two" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Hello, this is your phone speaking. I just wanted to say that it's real nice and cosy inside your pocket. I bet you thought I'd say it stinks of coins and thighs, but that's just your inner critic trying to trip you up again. You're your own worst enemy, when you gotta be your own biggest cheerleader, cos there aint anyone else around here who's gonna do it, except for maybe your housekeys. Hello this is your housekeys. Gimme a Y. Gimme a O. Gimme a U. That's spells YOU. As in YOU are amazing. Thanks for putting me in your pocket with your phone. I'm going to ruin the GorillaGlass while I think about how brilliant you are. In this episode, Log is a professional videogames voice actor now. Gav is offered a genuine-y boda-fide-y Blue Tick. And Steve has a coincidence happen on him. Get ready!

Welcome to the far future, where Blobbies buy you on eBay. Frightened yet? Well listen to Regular Features and feel a lot nicer about yourself.

Prince Harry's tadger keeps transporting him into realms of reveries, and we simply can't get enough.

This week we go back to bible times and learn about syrups and Log has a new enemy. Please retweet this so that we can go to the Kebab Awards again please: https://twitter.com/RegularFeatures/status/1552632683787952130

This week we bring back a forgotten tradition of the podcast - The Holiday Ramble.

Get outa here!

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire... writes the crime scene investigator in his crime solving notepad, as he shakes his head and cries into an evidence bag in the charred ruins of a house. It was a crime scene investigation this entire time, that's the twist. Please be fire safe this Christmas! Turn off your Christmas lights and don't play with candles. Okay! Let's have some Regular Features. In this one, Log has some advertisements for other podcasts on the Regular Features network. Steve writes a jilted Log/Joe gem-hunt fanfic. Joe recalls his favourite Christmas song. GO.

There's never been a better time to invest in worms. Worms are under you right now, working around the clock to make the rotten wet soil nice for daisies. Worms are versatile! They act like novelty Banana Boats for holidaymaking earwigs - AND they make chic scarves for robins in winter. And when the weather warms up? Don't put your worm scarf in the wardrobe! Rip it off, peck it to shreds, and eat a bit of it before getting startled by a cat. Worms are at the intersection of fungus and tree. Their thought processes are so alien to us that we can only look on in bewilderment when we see a ball of 3,200 pregnant worms rolling down a hill. Take it from me, if a ball of 3,200 pregnant worms stops rolling down a hill, you hear a record scratch, and a worm narrator says "I guess you're wondering how I got into this situation", you POLITELY WALK AWAY. Please enjoy this very special episode of Regular Features, in which Log and Joe both done features about worms, because nobody else turned up to stop them

In this episode, Steve burns his candle at both ends. And Log invites you to embody him completely and understand once and for all the arduous process of producing a regular feature. Joe is here, to bear witness to this foul act.

Here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door, but where's the people? Church attendance has been in decline for decades. Among people aged between 18 and 24, the incidence of religious affiliation is only 30.7%. If it were to drop below 30%, a special alarm will go off inside the Pope's hat, and he'll take off his hat and there'll be a special golden telephone under there, ringing. He'll pick it up. "Hello, Pope speaking." He'll hold his hand over the receiver and mouth the words "it's god" to a cloister of bishops while waving his hand in a shoo-ing motion. The rest is between him and the big guy. That bit's above our paygrade. In this one, Steve accidentally rents a cape. And Joe takes us to Beak Street, a commercial hub for high-flying bird fashion. Well, what are you waiting for? Listen it up. "The Forest and the Trees" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

The crime? A mordor. The suspect?! YOU. And you thought you'd get away with it you little freak. Well say hello to a little thing we like to call JUSTICE.