Regular Features

When all you've got is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Stuck in traffic? Nail. Deadline to meet? It's a nail. Hungry? Better believe that's a nail. Worried that your only possession in the entire world, the sum total of your life achievements, the only thing your children will inherit when you die of hammer-related injuries, is a hammer? Oh yeah, that's a freakin nail alright. In this episode, Joe wishes the new Smyths Toys television ad was a lottle bit longer. And Log explores the supposedly universal things people say to one another to give them an excuse to be horrible baddies. Steve's here too. There's a great bit about a crow in there! Nine out of ten episode this one.

Gather round, gather round. No stop, that's too much gathering. Disperse... A little more... A little more. Well now you're far too dispersed, aren't you? You're gonna wanna give me just a hint more gathering. Woah woah woah, now you're even more gathered than the first time. So much for the wisdom of crowds, ya tightly packed throng o' boneheads. In this very chatty episode of Regular Features, Gav recounts the tale of our annual trip to the most happening Halloween party this side of Godalming. Steve hosts a "guess the TV theme tune" quiz in lieu of actually doing a feature. And Joe turns informant for anyone who'll listen. "Onion Capers" and "Newer Wave" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

In this episode, Steve tells the terrifying tale of a coupla big city teenage dirtbags who finally get what's coming to them. Log learns the exact sequence of verbs and nouns that makes Thorin Oakenshield cradle you in his greasy dwarf arms in classic ZX Spectrum text adventure The Hobbit (1982), thereby cracking a four decade old puzzle that would have, had it been solved at the time, catapulted his eight year old body into a half-dozen simultaneous gay puberties. Joe is here too, making all manner of contributions.

This week we return to The Canal Cafe Theatre for a live show! Because it's live, we might sound a bit shitter than usual or refer to something we can see on stage. YOU can fix one of those thing by watching the video version on our YouTube channel. WE can fix the other thing by kicking off with the sound guy. Listen to the podcast! https://regularfeatures.com/ Support the podcast, get a BEE NAME: https://www.patreon.com/regularfeatures

In this episode, Log rediscovers his love of music by ordering vinyl records from a spooky owl, and Joe is smitten with thyssenkrupp's floating aeroplane corridor gantry jobbies. Steve is here too, technically. (They're call jet bridges, I looked it up. Jet bridges! Like Jeff Bridges' cooler, more articulated brother. Hello, I'm Jet Bridges. If you want to get on this Airbus A380, you gotta climb through my guts first).

Shopping list: - 2 beans - 2 kilos Freddos - A egg - One feature about a traffic stop in Candyland - One feature where Wolf Blitzer can identify Friends episodes - One feature that is a poorly hidden pretext for us having YOUR house - A another egg "NewsSting" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

You've heard of good podcasts, now get ready for fast podcasts. That's right, in this very special and speedy episode of Regular Features, Joe, Log and Steve will pepper your naked body with a quickfire hail of what science is calling "Actual Micro-Features". It's like we are feature Scarfaces, and the features are the bullets, and you are an entire Bolivian drugs cartel bent on revenge. Any smaller, and these features would be a sort of inhalable mist. And that simply wouldn't do, now would it? Say hello to our little features.

You are in a egg. Oh it is such a big a egg. But you want to be free of a egg. You crack open the tippy-top of a egg. Oh! It is so bright! It is so frightening! Perhap you would prefer to stay in a egg. But then your eyes adjust to the light of the world that is not a egg. You see three faces. They are lovely faces, all shaped like a egg. One face is called Steve. He says he will tell you the shipping news, and about an indiscretion with his junk in a park. Another face is called Joe. He regales you about yoghurt. What is yoghurt? Is it also from a egg? The final face is called Log. He tells you about his haunted house, Blyth Manor - and that it contains a egg. A egg! You must leave. You must leave a egg to find out more about all the a eggs around. It is time.

I'm hungry so this will be a short description. In this one, Joe fixes some (very) badly behaving dogs. Steve invite us for a sleepover with "the king of cool" Mister Dean Martin. Log observes us from afar using a telescope. I'm hungry I'm hungry I'm hungry help

You can keep your Emily Maitlises and your Frost/Nixons, because Regular Features is finally pivoting to hot hot politics. In fact, we are the only politics podcast that doesn't have a Krishnan Guru-Murthy constantly riding around on an electric scooter in the background, and that's a Regular Features promise. In this episode, Log introduces us to the Republican Party presidential candidate nominees, thanks to a couple of hypnotic lanyards he found under his pillow one morning. Steve tries to help out his old friend Roger Helmer MEP with a professional calf massage. Remember to vote or something.

This episode is dedicated to the legendary broadcaster Michael "Champ" Parkinson, whom we love. Joe processes his grief with a feature about Lord Fauntleroy, Steve deals with his emotions by securing some much needed funding from a cruise company. Gav projects his feelings of anger on to a smoking neighbour. This episode is sponsored by Cunard Cruises.

Hey, you know how a demure Helen O'Connell asks Dean Martin how he likes his eggs in the morning (in the hit song "How D'ya Like Your Eggs In The Morning"), and how it should be pretty obvious to everybody that she's coyly inviting him to stay the night? But then a horny and oblivious Dean Martin keeps replying with "I LIKE MINE WITH A KISS" and "REALLY DON'T CARE ABOUT EGGS, JUST GOTTA GET MY FREAKIN KISSES" and later, "I WILL TRANSFORM INTO AN ANGRY MONSTER IF IT'S JUST EGGS AND WE DON'T ACTUALLY SHAG BTW". And then people in the 1950s were like, damn that guy's cool. Let's nickname him "The King of Cool" for that. Let's put him in a Rat Pack for that. It's just something to think about! In this episode, Steve shares his favourite scene from hot kitchen drama The Bear, Joe remasters a beloved racket-and-ball sports series, and Log attempts to get his texts read out on 6 Music. Gav is there, making sure we all behave. Thanks!

bushel [ˈbʊʃ(ə)l] NOUN, BRITISH A measure of capacity equal to 8 gallons (equivalent to 36.4 litres), used for corn, fruit, liquids, etc. Definitely NOT just a small bush. de Groot [də кнrōt′] NAME, DUTCH The sexiest group of adventurers, inventors, sportspeople and all-round hotpot yummydaddies in all of western Europe and possibly THE GLOBE. Get a load of de Groots in your peepers and you'll be on the floor kicking a leg like a tickled pooch.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was letting Joe smell the well again, putting a picture of a transparent mouse in front of Steve, and giving Log unprecendented access to the private communiqués of Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg. Oo that Devil, he's got a nerve on him, I'd like to truss him up and say, "try doing that again, Satan, when you're all covered in ropes and my personal slime! Go on! Try it, love!!!"

In this episode of Regular Features, Log's been playing the hip new rocket propelled grenade Final Fantasy 16. Steve's been caught dumping aspartame into all your favourite sugar free drinks. And Joe's found a prudish new sponsor who'll take us from curse... to worse!

If you can't handle me at my hurdy, you don't deserve me at my gurdy. In this one, Steve heads underwater to discover treasures untold. Joe comes head to head with a devil baby. Log submits his video will.

Who wants to hear a podcast about a gym botherer and a towel muncher? And also with a dash of tooth lover??

Left with a Succession-shaped void where his guts and arse used to be, Joe takes the hit HBO series to the West End where it always belonged. And Log puts the "fancier" into "yeah your pigeon's pretty fancy I guess, but mine is fancier. Hey wait, is that man riding a Shire horse over there? Come back, I have a comparison to make with you! Giddy up Sugarlump, my introverted pony. He's getting away!" Steve is here too, though you wouldn't guess it from the complete lack of features on the lad. Have aviary nice day.

This week's episode comes directly from Joe's Stag Do. A stag do is where boys go to do podcasts, and we highly recommend it, especially to you, MISSUS. Gav quizzes Joe on the likes, dislikes, and historic whereabouts of his fiancée. Steve writes a poem to rival that one about your parents being bad for your bonce. Log commits horrors with language alone.

Think of a breakfast meat. Now think of a member of the royal family. You were thinking of Black Pudding Camilla weren't you? No? Oh right, then you must have been thinking about the big man himself, ol' Charlie boy and his beautiful sausage fingers, each one inflated to 240PSI and fit to burst at the knuckles. Log has done a feature all about what it must be like to be those fingers. Steve's been humming a little song about beans all day. Joe attends, clutching his pearls and screeching uncontrollably.