The Smart Couple Podcast

Annie Lalla brings the heat in this magnificent episode chock-full of hacks, insights, self-empowerment, love, and wisdom. Damn, can this woman spin some distinctions and reframe common challenges many of us face with simple, detailed examples of ways we can work to transform ourselves and our relationships into the magic we long for. It’s a must-listen-to (probably two or three times), and if you’re a note-taker, you’re going to want to grab your journal. This one is a doozie. Useful Links: Annie Lalla's Website Annie's “True Love” Test Facebook - Jayson Gaddis Fan Page U.S. listeners, sign up for relationship tips and support direct to your phone by texting this number: 720-704-4852 https://www.gettingtozerobook.com https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/

How can you be there for your partner when you need them to be there for you? How do you take care of your needs with a struggling partner who needs your support? Can you relate to sometimes having a hard time connecting with your partner—or having a hard time empathizing with them?  Please tune in to hear Jayson and Ellen share what it’s like to struggle with conflict during a stressful time. Their recent experience helps put struggle into a psychological/relational context to aid understanding and compassion for you and your partner.

As you were growing up, your parents/culture/church/community/friends influenced your values and the positive and negative experiences you had. In this week’s episode, learn a bit about Jayson’s Compass Exercise (featured in Chapter 8 of his book), a strategy to determine your values and the direction you’re headed in life. If you want to succeed with your New Year’s resolutions or your goals this year, tune in. Useful Links: Read the transcript for this episode https://www.gettingtozerobook.com https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/

Taber asks, “I’m an anxiously attached person and it’s become clear to me that it doesn’t work for me that my partner talks to another woman every day, behind my back. I have found proof that he has crossed the line with her before, and with anxious attachment I am not in a healthy enough place to accept him continuing friendship with this person. I’m welcoming advice on how to set this boundary for myself without just ending the relationship, and I certainly don’t want to give an ultimatum. I’m new to this and need to set my mind free.”  Lestie wonders, “What do you simply accept in a relationship in the other, as opposed to trying to change it? I.e., one of you is clean, the other is messy, one is punctual, other is never on time…  I’m having difficulty knowing what to and what not to address. I know Gottmans says 69% of issues in relationships aren’t resolved and it’s more about how you communicate about them than trying to change them, and where to draw the line? Some of these issues really bother me. I a

Did you know how impactful our facial expressions and tone of voice are on our partner’s sense of safety? Have you ever wondered why you struggle to learn something new when you are stressed?  Do you wonder why you are (or your partner is) so damn sensitive? Well, there’s a scientific reason for all of this and in this week’s episode, Jayson interviews the man who developed the polyvagal theory. He’s a real pioneer and someone who cares a lot about you feeling safe—in life and in your relationships. Dr. Stephen Porges is about to give you a big download on the reasons you might not feel safe and what you can do about it. Bottom line? We cover the neuroscience of safe relationships and how to create them. Useful Links: www.stephenporges.com https://www.gettingtozerobook.com https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/

Nicole asks, “I found your interview with (Dan) Savage to be highly enlightening and incredibly emotional. As a married straight woman in a monogamous relationship with children, I felt very triggered by the concept of ‘enough’. Am I enough? I am constantly struggling to feel like I am enough of anything, and I feel like your podcast has started to help me feel settled into an idea that monogamy and marriage can provide enough for both partners, if it is viewed as a journey and a goal. This interview ripped open some pretty deep and vulnerable wounds surrounding being enough.”  Erica wonders, “I’ve been married to my husband for nine years and together for fourteen. Even in the beginning of our relationship the sex wasn’t as frequent as I’d have liked, so I had to. Now we’re married and I feel like the sissue is in the different sex drives continues to bother me. I just need to need more sex than he does. He knows that I wish he’d initiate sex more, and we’ve gone to many years of therapy. I fear this will ne

Shavani asks, “Most times conflicts drain us of mental energy and time, even with both partners’ willingness to work through it. For me, conflict often takes hours of constant talking, fighting, and finally resolving. This is especially tough when work is involved that requires preparation and clarity. How do we work through conflict in a way that doesn’t impact other parts of our lives that are important for our personal growth and well-being?”  Kim wonders, “Have you ever covered sexual frequency in a marriage? He wants it WAY more because that’s how he thinks of connection, and I don’t want it nearly enough because he won’t open up, let me in, and connect on a deeper emotional level, so there is a constant struggle.”  Lilian is curious: “I have a dear friend that means well but always plays devil’s advocate when I come to her with a painful experience or when I need support. She says it’s because she’s a Libra. Where’s the line of calling your friend out on their B.S., and holding space for them with empat

“Any advice to get over a fear of dependency?” Amy wants to know. “Is it possible for one partner to be dependent, and the other to be independent? Does that change over time? What can I do when I get triggered by his independence?” asks @twopopcorn. “Therapists always say, ‘You’re responsible for meeting your own needs’...How do you allow yourself to depend on someone and also not expect someone to give you what you need?” Jean is curious about.  Join Jayson and Ellen for this follow-up AMA episode (inspired by Episode 423: Dependent, Independent, Interdependent) where they answer listener questions on dependency. Useful Links: Download the transcript of episode 425 here "Loneliness, Social Isolation, and Living Alone with Julianne Holt-Lundstad - Episode 301 (TRS Podcast) https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/ https://www.gettingtozerobook.com

Want some help understanding what the opposite sex thinks and feels about being partners, parents, cohabitating, careers, etc.? Care to learn how to structure leadership equitably with your partner? Can you identify with stereotypical gender roles—specifically with couples who are also parents? Curious to learn why some men resist or devalue hands-on parenting? Join Jayson and Ellen as they unpack how gender roles play into your most intimate relationship, how they relate to our cultural landscape, and how to structure leadership/relate to each other as partners and co-parents. Useful Links: Download the transcript of episode 424 here https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/ https://www.gettingtozerobook.com  

When you hear the word “dependency,” what does it conjure up for you? Feelings of resistance? Discomfort? Maybe a squirmy feeling? Or something more positive? Does it feel good for you to be needed?  When we first emerge into the world as infants, we are 100% dependent on our caregiver(s) for all our physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, and relational needs. Our parents have been responsible for every one of our needs, day in and day out, for years. It is a biological imperative to attach to our caregiver (attachment figure), and it’s completely instinctual—it’s how a baby survives. Being someone’s attachment figure is incredibly demanding. Attachment science empirically speaks to the similarity between how a child attaches to a parent and how an adult attaches to their spouse, meaning our attachment figure changes from our parent to our significant other. However, your partner is not your caregiver… Contingent on your attachment style (anxious, avoidant, secure), it can become triggering to depend

What lessons can families learn from businesses? Have you ever thought of formalizing your values as a family and creating a vision statement? Ellen and I had the privilege to chat with Chris and Melissa Smith, founders of Family Brand, and loving parents to five kids. We discuss what it’s like to have (and come from) an unusually large family, their near-divorce experience, and how they are now happier and stronger than ever before. They talk about why they founded Family Brand, and highlight the importance of working on oneself first and, and being very intentional with your commitment to your partner and parenting to co-create a brand unique to your family unit and why/how that’s helpful. Useful Links: Download the transcript of this episode here https://familybrand.com/ https://familybrand.com/podcast/ https://familybrand.com/quiz/ https://www.instagram.com/ourfamilybrand/ https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/ https://www.gettingtozerobook.c

Do you find yourself in a relationship with someone who isn’t meeting you halfway? Are you curious to learn why your partner refuses to do their part of the work in the relationship? According to behavioral psychology, human beings are hedonistic. We prefer pleasure over pain, good over evil, comfortable over uncomfortable—even though  it is through discomfort that we grow. If you listen to the podcast, I consider you a growth/developmental-oriented person. If a non-growth/developmental-oriented person stays in a relationship with you long enough, they inevitably will bump up against discomfort and will do one of three things: run, check out, or sabotage. Tune in to this short episode to learn more about avoidance tactics, the number one reason your partner resists change, and the role shame plays in this dynamic. Useful Links: Download the transcript to Episode 421: The #1 Reason Your Partner Won't Do The Work https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/ https://www.gettingtozerobook.com

Have you ever wondered if there was something you could do quickly when you were triggered and it just made everything better?  This week we’re joined by Spiritual Coach Mamoon Yusaf who gives us the elevator speech description of the Qu’ran and it’s deeper meaning). He shares his experience growing up in a posh British grammar school as a young Pakistani boy, becoming a Spiritual Coach, and awakening as a way of owning his feelings, the reactions that changed his life and his relationships for the better. But most importantly he shares a quick method to work through triggers. Useful Links: https://mamoonyusaf.com/ Sign up for updates here: 7207044852 my.community.com/jaysongaddis/ https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/ https://www.gettingtozerobook.com  

Are you a "dad to be," or are you already on the field but want to up your parenting game and become the kind of father and husband you always wanted to be (i.e., sincerely present and very engaged)? Buckle up for a candid, special, extra-long episode geared explicitly for dads with advice on pre-birth, birth (how to support the process and show up), and post-birth (notes on sleep, sex, healthy brain development, post-partum, technological considerations, carrying your child) and more. Useful Links: Download this episode's transcript here Sign up for updates here: 7207044852 my.community.com/jaysongaddis/ https://relationshipschool.com/masterclass/ https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/getcoachingnow/ https://www.gettingtozerobook.com

By far the most important age to get parenting “right” is 0-3. This is when the “self” forms and if the primary caregiver (often the mother) is not well, major challenges will emerge in the child. If you have a complicated relationship with your parents or you are a new parent, this is a must listen. Useful Links: Send a text: 7207044852 my.community.com/jaysongaddis/ https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/rct https://www.gettingtozerobook.com

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where the grieving process just won’t quit? In this week’s episode Jayson coaches Kadri, who is struggling to get over a breakup that happened 15 months ago. Jayson suggests that we tend to repeat our patterns (like choosing a “healing” partner vs. a “feel good” partner) unless we fundamentally change something about who we are, and gain insight into why these patterns exist in the first place. Tune in to learn more about this and see if you can relate… Useful Links: https://relationshipschool.com/rescue https://relationshipschool.com/rct https://www.gettingtozerobook.com

This week my wife Ellen and I tackle a couple of your questions… Jennifer is curious about how to forgive ourselves when we relapse into old patterns…  Ashley asks us how self-centeredness is either useful or destructive… Brian inquires about confidence, and how to stand up for yourself respectfully… Hannah asks if and how there’s a right way to get back together with someone… Tune in to this week’s Ask Me Anything episode where we discuss  ghosting, being centered in a world out of balance, the importance of co-creating agreements in your relationships, and more.  Useful Links: https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://relationshipschool.com/rct https://www.gettingtozerobook.com  

Ever feel like you are the one overfunctioning in your relationship? Ever feel like you are “taking care” of your partner and they feel like a kid sometimes?  Listen to this week's episode to hear Jayson review and unpack this codependent couples session with Shannon and Matthew (or catch the episode on YouTube to see the action and better understand what their body language is saying). Useful Links: Text: 7207044852 -  my.community.com/jaysongaddis https://relationshipschool.com/rct https://www.gettingtozerobook.com

This week I spoke with Debbie Reber, author, and founder of TILT Parenting which offers resources to parents of neurodiverse “differently wired” humans to help navigate these uncertain waters in a world where everything is biased towards “normal”. We speak about how ADHD is considered neurodiverse, and often oversimplified as someone who experiences challenges with their focus when in reality it includes challenges with emotional regulation, impulsivity, misreading social cues, and rejection sensitive dysphoria. We also learn about the Autism Spectrum, and some of the terminology like “twice exceptional”, “masking”, “high-functioning” and “Aspergers”. And, of course, we talk about neurotypical-neurodiverse relationships. Useful Links: https://tiltparenting.com/ https://relationshipschool.com/rct https://relationshipschool.com/relationshipmastery/ https://www.gettingtozerobook.com

Have you ever been advised by friends or family not to “settle” in your romantic partnership?  Did you ever consider why you may be settling, or have settled in the past? Do you believe in not settling because you’re waiting for “the one”? In this episode, I unpack “settling” and offer three essential ingredients I think it takes to make a relationship work day-to-day and in the long term. Useful Links: https://relationshipschool.com/rct https://www.gettingtozerobook.com