The Smart Couple Podcast

The grass is greener with that other person! I used to think this quietly in my mind all the time, no matter who I was with. In this episode, I share my personal drama with this mentality and what it’s really about. Not only that, I offer something to help you get through it. It might just make you more likely to commit to the one you’re with. SHOWNOTES Jayson shares his personal story about leaving relationships when the going got tough. [8:45] The kinds of partners who will more likely have a “grass is greener” mentality. [11:00] How closeness and space impact ambivalence. [13:00] Will a new partner solve the current problem or bad feelings I’m having? [16:15] Jayson’s recommendation if you’re wanting to jump from relationship to relationship. [18:00] When the grass really is greener over there and it might be time to exit. [21:15] Jayson’s action steps for the listener. [ 24:45]

It’s really normal to experience jealousy, depression, anger, intense attraction and so much more when you find yourself in a good relationship. Our relationships trigger the deepest of human emotions and experiences. In this episode, I answer some fun, very painful, and challenging questions from you the listener. Notice how all of these questions may bring up stuff from your past or present relationship and see if you can find the nugget in each question that you can learn something from.   SHOWNOTES What’s really happening when someone says “you make me feel X”. [6:45] Is it a mistake to stay with my husband who is a functioning alcoholic? [9:30] How to deal with premature ejaculation after you’re married? [12:15] One factor that will guarantee your relationship is doomed. [15:30] How to get your boyfriend to talk more when all he wants is occasional texting? [16:30] Can a guy be emotionally mature if he doesn’t like to talk about his feelings five months into a relationship? [18:15] When a partner strugg

It is possible to rewire your brain in relationships and build inner strength. In fact, if you don’t work toward this, you’ll be in trouble down the road when the allostatic load catches up to you later in life. In this episode I interview Dr. Rick Hanson. He’s a passionate expert on mindfulness, the brain, neuroscience and relationships. We geek out on the intricacies of the brain but he also brings some very practical tools and insights on how we can improve our relationships by using the natural genius of our mind. Lots of notes to take on this one! Hang in there. It can get dense.    SHOWNOTES Why Jayson was anti-marriage until age 34 [2:00] How did Dr. Hanson get so passionate about brain science and relationships? [11:00] A Native American story about love and hate [13:00] Why is so difficult for couples to work their shit out? [17:30] What are two lessons from the wiring of our ancestors’ nervous systems? [19:30] Two practices to rewire your brain to build your inner psychological strength [22:00] How

Maureen writes “I’ve really lost interest in your work since you said on your webinar that if you get cheated on it’s your fault.” Thanks Maureen for prompting this episode because so many people get “fault” confused with “responsibility.” This episode sets it straight. I clear up what it means to choose to be a victim and to choose to be empowered. Even when someone does something “to you.” After you listen, please share your feedback in The Smart Couple Facebook Group. Also check out the blog post on the same subject here. SHOWNOTES Why people love and hate meditation. [3:30] The difference between fault and responsibility. [6:15] The best way to get back into the driver’s seat of your own empowerment. [9:30] How to not get cheated on again. [10:15] The difference between the victim and the empowered person. [12:00] Jayson’s challenge for the listener. [19:30]

Chris and Billy Jo are two podcast listeners who won a chance to be interviewed and laser coached by me on the podcast. As you listen, pay close attention to their dynamic, their openness to feedback and most importantly a commitment to growing individually and as a couple. If you got value from this episode format, please share your feedback in The Smart Couple Facebook Group and I’ll do more!   SHOWNOTES How did Chris & Billiejo meet and how long have they been together? [8:00] When did they know it was the right time to tell the kids about their relationship? [11:15] Their advice for couples on how to introduce your kids to your new dating partner? [13:30] How has The Smart Couple Podcast helped Chris & Billiejo in their relationship? [15:30] The big lesson that Billiejo learned from a big fight with Chris [19:00] Jayson gives his laser coaching on how to move beyond their repeating patterns. [20:15] The best reframe to heal from blame and resentment with an ex. [24:00] What to do to move beyond i

Codependency gets a bad rap. Parenting your partner? Who wants be married to their mom or dad? But there’s more to the story here. And lots of gold if you’re willing to reframe and play the “attachment” game in your primary relationship. My wife Ellen joins me again with her attachment knowledge and personal experience on how to track and parent your partner. We give some personal examples from our marriage as well. SHOWNOTES Why do people freak out when they hear the idea of “parenting your partner” or “co-dependency”? [13:30] What is attachment in a relationship? [18:00] The huge benefit of using the lens of attachment in a relationship. [20:30] What does it mean to parent your partner? [21:45] Track my partner? What does that even mean? [23:45] The “secure home base” and how it can be a great barometer of the relationship. [25:30] The physiological cost of not giving attention to your primary relationship. [27:45] 3 action steps you can take today to improve your relationship. [29:30] Jayson’s action step

Most of us have no idea how damaging relational stress can be. In this episode, legendary medical doctor and psycho-physio-spiritual trailblazer Dr. Gabor Maté brings some very grounded, practical examples of how relationship stress can impact our lives. The result of stress can be seen throughout the web of our life and it’s up to us to learn how to relate and attach well to our fellow humans. I love how this man turns such complicated topics into common sense. If you want a deeper cut about your marriage, children, or any stressful relationship, this episode is a must listen. SHOWNOTES Why we’re evolutionarily wired to get high off of the honeymoon phase of a new relationship. [2:30] What happens when Gabor’s wife forgets to pick him up at the airport. [13:30] How our partners are perfectly suited to help us grow. [15:35] What happened in Gabor’s childhood that makes his wife a perfect match for him now. [18:00] The long-term cost of not dealing with stress. [20:00] How parents can be compromised by raisin

Fighting, arguing, and disagreeing are essential in a relationship, But it’s critical to know how. Here’s a short episode to help you understand how to calm down so you don’t do or say something you’ll later regret. SHOWNOTES Why Jayson doesn’t recommend long-term relationship for everyone. [1:45] Why do some couples that use one single email account? Share your thoughts in the private Facebook group [6:15] The likely reason you struggle with conflict in your relationship. [9:30] What defines a fight? [15:00] The 5 steps [15:45] You must have this ingredient whenever you do a “time-out” during a fight. [17:30] The sure-fire recipe for divorce and breakups. [24:00] Jayson’s two powerful action steps for this episode. [28:00]

In this Q&A episode, there were so many great questions. See the show notes below for a detailed line-up. SHOWNOTES How can I train myself to not go to an extreme dark place when I’m triggered by my partner? [4:30] A tool for calming yourself down. [6:00] What’s the best way to balance individual freedom in a relationship to avoid power struggles?  [6:45] How to know when to stay in a relationship and when to leave? [9:30] Why is my husband not desiring me and initiating physical intimacy and passion? [11:45] My boyfriend surfs porn, a LOT. Is this normal? Should I break up with him? [17:30] Should I move back in with my ex? How do I know if he’s forgiving me? [22:00] My partner says he’s not sure if he still has feelings for his ex. What should I do? [25:00] My old boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for eight years, currently off for a year. What’s the best way to get back together? [27:45] The best way to date someone with a mental illness? When do you know if the struggle is too much if they’

Did I interview Yoda or just world renowned human behavior specialist Dr. John Demartini? Okay, buckle your seat belt for this one and be prepared to have some of your paradigms twisted and your feathers ruffled. I could have grilled this guy for hours, but I kept it to one hour to respect his time. Be sure to listen to this one twice and take notes.  From no one being committed to you, to the fact that everyone is dishonest, I’m sure this episode will confront and serve you in many helpful ways. Enjoy! SHOWNOTES The one statement Dr. Demartini said that rocked Jayson’s world.  [7:45] How infatuation is an insight to ourselves. [10:30] Dr. Demartini’s relationship status? [11:30] Do long-distance relationships work? [12:30] How to be true to yourself in relationships. [15:45] Dr. Demartini’s date with a 95 year-old lady. [23:00] How our values powerfully influence our lives. [24:45] What about when two partners have opposite values? [27:00] What’s the link between health, stress and values? [32:30] What happ

There are two kinds of expectations in a long-term relationship. Knowing the difference can help you sink or swim in your partnership. See if you can get honest about your expectations of yourself and your partner in this episode. SHOWNOTES The two kinds of expectations [5:45] Why laying a trip on someone doesn’t work in a partnership [9:30] Why trying to force someone to change never works. [11:45] Monogamy as an example of how to set an expectation. [13:45] Jayson’s challenge to the listener. [17:15]

Saying “I’m sorry” is one way to try to repair after a relationship challenge, but it’s exceptionally limited. Not learning a new way to repair is like driving your car without tires. It works and can even get you places, but you’ll go so much further if you learn this one. Roll up your sleeves as I have a good challenge for you in this episode. SHOWNOTES Why regular apologies are weak. [9:00] What you need to do instead of just saying “I’m sorry.” [13:45] A perspective that will empower you when you’re triggered by your partner. [16:00] The secret to apologizing like a pro. [17:30] Jayson’s challenge to the listener. [21:30]  

Relationships get hard. But how do you know when hard is too freakin’ hard? And, what do you do about it? In this episode my wife and I explore a very common complaint about long-term relationships, especially after the initial honeymoon phase wears off. Are you making your relationship hard or are you making it easy? Believe it or not, you are in the driver’s seat on this. SHOWNOTES How do you know when your relationship is too hard? [5:30] The decision Jayson made that was crucial to his relationship. [15:00] Does Ellen ever feel that motherhood is too hard? [17:00] The perspective that matters most in a relationship [18:45] How to work through conflict in a relationship? [20:15] What about working through conflict on your own, without your partner or community? [22:30] Why it’s not wise to “pick your battles”? [26:45] Leave your comment in Monogamy and The Smart Couple Facebook Group  

Your relationship questions are answered in this episode. We cover a lot of ground. One theme is how to deal with “value” differences in an intimate relationship. This one is really good because it can tear a relationship apart trying to fit each other into your respective boxes of how you prefer they be.   SHOWNOTES How long to wait for your partner to blend your families and get married? [7:15] How can partners adapt in a relationship when one partner has a chronic illness? [11:45] Why do men lie? [14:00] What’s the reason our relationship improves when my man hangs out with this guy friends? [17:30] How to tell your guy about erectile dysfunction without making it worse? [20:00] What skills are best to use when you’re highly triggered and avoid an argument? [21:45] How to keep childhood issues from breaking up your relationship? [23:45] How do you know when to take 100% responsibility and when to leave a partner who is not willing to do the work? [26:00] What if your ex is creating challenges for me to bl

Relationship pain has a very clear purpose. If you are hip to it, you’ll thrive in relationships. If you are uneducated here, you’ll run away and play the victim. Direct and to the point, I suggest a very important daily practice for you to strengthen your mindset about long-term partnership. Pain hurts indeed. And, what if pain was your ally in disguise? SHOWNOTES Your only two choices you have about your relationship pain [4:30] What is one of the harshest versions of relational pain [6:00] The first thing to NOT do when in relationship pain. [11:00] The good news about pain and stress [15:45] What happens when you just bounce from relationship to relationship. [17:00] The link between your emotional pain and your numbing habits. [21:45] What makes someone really unattractive. [25:00] Relationship Pain Daily Practice I have two choices with my relationship pain: 1. Use it to make me weaker by whining, complaining, and blaming others (or myself). 2. Use it to make me stronger by seeing it as my ally to mas

One of the most fundamental skills we need to navigate life’s challenges is not formally taught to us. We learn through the school of hard knocks and most of us get some pretty big scars. These scars don’t heal unless you use the very best methods to become stronger. Join me here as I invite you into something very special. Something that could impact us well beyond our life. SHOWNOTES The flawed thinking behind simply wanting a great relationship. [3:00] What could have benefited Jayson had he taken a relationship class as a kid. [4:00] How wanting to be liked is impacting children’s integrity with themselves. [5:45] Jayson’s puts his stake in the ground. [9:15] The big flaw in the current school system. [11:00] Jayson’s bold invitation. [12:30]  

Do attachment principles actually work in adult relationships? How can secure functioning assist you and your partner into greater safety and openness in your marriage? In this episode I talk with Stan Tatkin, couple therapist, and adult attachment guru. I’ve been studying this guy for the past 2 years through my wife. He’s making a very important contribution, backed by brain science, with the neuro psychobiological approach to how adults to long-term relationship successfully. Get ready to “parent” your partner! Yikes! I learned a lot here and am eager to share his work with you. SHOWNOTES How did Stan get into becoming a therapist? [5:45] What is “secure functioning”? [13:00] How is secure functioning different than “co-dependency”? [21:45] What does a co-dependent dynamic look like in real life? [22:30] Are we re-parenting ourselves with our chosen partners? [28:00] What is a “master regulator” in a relationship? How to tell if that’s you. [31:30] How to avoid choosing a partner who is not a good fit for

Does having children ruin your marriage? The stats are against most of you who get married and choose children. But why is this, and what can you and your spouse do about it? Find out this and so much more as Jayson & Ellen use their own story as another example of what’s possible during the hardest of times. SHOWNOTES A powerful definition of a mature person. [2:20] The gloomy article on parenting that got Ellen and Jayson fired up. [6:15] The negative view of marriage. [7:50] How women are impacted after having a baby. [9:20] The defining moment that Ellen remembers, but Jayson blocked out. [11:30] The biggest factor that will impact your overall happiness in life [17:30] What Ellen said to Jayson that hit him in the gut like a truck and woke him up big time. [21:45] Ellen shares what Jayson does consistently that helps her show up more fully in their marriage and their family. [24:45] An important perspective that can help you deliver your truth more effectively. [28:00]

Do you have any friends in your life that lovingly challenge you? If not, you’re missing out on big growth that could help your primary partnership. SHOWNOTES Why loneliness can literally kill you. [2:30] The trap of only relying on your partner for support. [7:02] How you can speed up the learning in your relationship. [9:45] A great way to kill your sex life with your partner. [11:00] When it might be a good time to get new friends. [12:30] The first person who told Jayson he was full of shit (and why he loved it) [15:45] How to skillfully use judgment to help your friends [17:30] How to show up more powerfully when visiting your family. [20:55] Jayson’s invitation. [27:10]

In this episode, I bring on my better half, my wife to rock it out with me. We had fun exploring the early stages of our relationship and what had us “choose” each other. There are some funny and not so funny shares in this one. I’m grateful Ellen is joining us here and here’s to more to come from the two of us.   SHOWNOTES How did Jayson and Ellen first meet? [9:07] What you must learn about your partner before you decide to spend your life together. [14:30] What had Ellen ask Jayson out? [15:05] Shitty advice Jayson got from a therapist and an astrologer. [18:45] How did Jayson overcome his “grass is always greener” pattern? [24:40] One of Jayson’s best accomplishments of his life. [28:00] The simple yet powerful distinction that Ellen did that allowed Jayson to choose to commit. [30:15] How do you know if your partner is “The One”? [33:45] A huge thing that must happen before you should even consider marriage. [35:00] Jayson’s challenge to the listener, both for those in a relationship and single. [43:15]