Regular Features

Did you know Kenny Rogers came up with the line "you've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em" while he was doing his laundry, it's true ask anyone. Anyway! In this episode, Log gets imprisoned in his home by an NHS, Steve challenges the boys to a spelling contest, and Joe tries to flog an office chair. Thanks!

Here at Regular Features, we like to push boundaries. That's why we're the first podcast to ever discuss BDSM without giggling or being sick into the microphone. In this episode, Log talks about hardcore leather strap velcro kink sex, then Joe, apparently unaware of the theme, discusses tuna. Steve, god bless him, is just sort of... there? What a strange boy.

Have you ever wondered how we learned how to do all of our incredible comedy accents? Well in this episode, we'll teach you how! Log is offering every reader a free taster of our five day accent school, which will turn YOU from a "croikey doikey wadda crocodile mister" into a "hey I slappa da calzone outta ya mouth if you don make-a de waltzer go faster, ayyyy wadda disappointing funfair". Joe makes Gigi and offer she can't Hadid. Steve tips soil into his Xbox. Let's do this, please!

It's here. The blimp episode!

In this hot little potato wedge of an episode, Joe remembers what it was like back before politics and games journalists ruined E3 and it was all about good, old fashioned eggs. Matt remembers what it was like when it when a hundred million Pikmin were crushed underneath a Ronaldo. And Steve, in an audacious act of sabotage, simply deletes his third of the podcast.

Want to feel old? Put your dad's big shoes on and walk around the house saying "where did I put my mortgage in this, the year 1978". Then listen to Gav discuss the finer points of classic survival-comedy Castaway, which was released in 2000 and challenged a pre-9/11 America to wonder what it would be like if Tom Hanks had a big beard. What else? Well here is what. Steve threw a block of tofu out of a window. And Log got arachno-curious vis-a-vis having sex with a spider. You can't say we never treat you. You just can't!

I'm on a secret pirate island now, sorry!! Sorry everyone. In this one, Steve gets his coronavirus vaccination. Joe, desperate to keep up with Steve's trailblazing lifestyle, gets HIS vaccination too. Then Log launches a Regular Features podcast network, just to keep you on your toes. Bassa Island Game Loop by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/3424-bassa-island-game-loop License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

Pfft, schedules are for idiots. We've switched to releasing new episodes at random intervals, so you never know when you're gonna get slapped around the ears with our demanding, wet voices. (Sorry, things have been especially intense these past two weeks, please bear with us while we arrange our disorderly ducks). In this one, Joe Skrebels debases himself for a coin, and Steve has a visit from his ancient friend Paco Rabanne. Neon Laser Horizon by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/7015-neon-laser-horizon License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license Hard Boiled by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/3857-hard-boiled License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

Picture yourself in a boat on a river, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies. Now imagine it's a speedboat, and you've broken every maritime law there is, and you're on the run from the boat police. Now stop, calm down. None of this is happening, and you're listening to Regular Features actually. Log has written his own pub menu app, and Gav is gestating a viral tweet that's just aching to be twooted. Steve stands lookout, in case the pigs start sniffing around.

Hello and welcome to the description of the podcast. If you'll take a look to your left, you'll see that Log's erected a top 10 of people in his pub - he says it's not a feature but it's got a backing track and everything. To your right, you'll notice that Joe has sold his feature slot to the highest bidder, and what a bloody bidder it is. Up the stairs, Matt's busy putting the final touches to his thoughts about dentists, so we'll head to him last. And then after that, you'll see that all the way down that hallway we've installed a massive hive to allow for some of the freshest bee names ever to shoot from our lips onto your hips. PRAY ENTER AND ENJOY. Oh and if you'd like to listen to Jackacase's 'Improved Onion Fuck' forever, here's a nice long link to click: https://onedrive.live.com/?cid=09cb1c5031d17efd&id=9CB1C5031D17EFD%21175724&authkey=!AEd98oBq7nNKyBk

We've been sitting on the fence way too long. It's about time we took Ellen Degeneres down a peg or five. And as a feature appetiser: Steve got Mrs Doubtfired by an orthodonist. Joe is here too, to keep everyone in line.

Houston, we have a problem. The problem is that three guys came in and made some yuk-yuks in mission control and now we got a whole 'sploded Cape Canaveral. What were the yuk-yuks? Well, a guy called Gav told us about how a popular podcasting service stole his data and tried to make a quick buck. Then another guy, Log, he brought a buddy in to talk about Big Boys and soccer and water polo and I think he was aroused. After that, some joker called Joe finished us all off with a tale of - and you won't believe this - the International Space Station, and by that time we were just rolling around on the floor and one of us pressed the button that said "blow it all up". Sorry, Houston.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled features to bring you this very special report about a prince. The music "Raving Energy" which appears in the nightclub scene where we're all dancing and having fun when we find out Prince Philip is dead is by artist Kevin MacLeod. Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/5029-raving-energy License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

In this very special episode of Regular Features, we tackle the real issues facing our societies todays, what are named of: kayak mishaps, duck tits, Channel 4 anchors, a jungle disease (red flower), some guys who live in a bed even way after they're dead, and what to do about a Tim Allen. Excuse me, but please save your laughs for another episode, because it's time we got serious, and that's not even a joke.

Sure, you've all heard about how that big boat got wedged. Yawn! But have you also heard that Gav was mildly traumatised by an intractable camera man? No, because the "news" don't want you to know about it. In this week's tell all episode, Gav reveals how an impudent videographer shook him to his core, and Steve handles the boat business. Alright let's go.

Hello, it's me, the podcast, with another episode of myself. In this one, Steve gets rich off of blockchain dunks. Joe embarks on a lucrative Tik Tok career. And Log eats so many oak-temperature conkers that he gets a thank you letter from the Queen.

I once said boo to a goose and it laid an egg, and inside the egg was a piece of paper, and on the paper there was a joke. "Q: What do you get if you cross a camel with a goose? A: Goose bumps." Naturally I was furious for having had my time wasted on this nonsense goose whimsy, but by the time I looked up the goose had fled. The bad joke was a defence mechanism to prevent people getting near to me, I mean near to the goose. In this episode: Log has had his willy swiped by a wily enchantress. Joe gets wrapped up in the world of non-fungible tokens. And speaking of token, Steve contributes a low-effort Murray Walker bit that I suppose he thinks passes for a feature these days.

Look, it's late on a Sunday so let's cut to the chase. In this one, Joe tells a blood-curdling foot story to curry favour with the producers of any horror podcast who'll have him. Log discovers a gassy missus in the filthy missives of James Joyce, who is also his dad now by the way. Steve is in attendance, as per the court order.

What is the Gorbo Vibe? If you have to ask, it's not for you. And if you don't have to ask, well you come across as aloof and so it's also not for you, sorry. I don't make the rules. In this ep (short for episode), Gavin starts running but runs straight into a problem with smartwatches. And Steve unlocks the power of Gorbo Powder using a big key he discovered behind his washing machine. Joe is here too, making sure nothing rude happens.

I'm writing this in the bath, so I'll be brief. In this episode, Steve reports on how the newest Martian rover narrowly avoided wasp-induced catastrophe. Joe reveals he is Sia's honest-to-goodness cousin and demands access to his rightful family fortune. And Log has gone koo-koo bananas for the latest Yakuza game for the games computer. Whoops I got some suds on the podcast.