Regular Features

This week the fellas are joined by two very special guests Orson Welles and one other person whom I shall not be naming here lest I rob you of the excitement we all felt in the room when he showed up.

This is episode 488, which in bingo calling is "two fat ladies, married for forty years and still profoundly in love, standing at an easel where the first fat lady is painting a simple watercolour of their pet cat (name of Biscuits) as the second fat lady watches her from behind. The first fat lady turns to her wife and says, 'my dear wife, these past few months I cannot help but feel we are growing apart, is something the matter?' To which her adoring wife smiles and eventually replies, 'no, my love, my sweetest love, it is just the default kerning makes it look that way, I am as in love with you now as I ever have been. I am one thousand times more in love with you today as I was when I first saw you. I cannot count the ways that I love you. It's got to be at least fifty, and that's just off the top of the bonce.' And THEN the first fat lady laughs and says, 'I knew you were, I can feel your love every day, my beautiful wife, you are my joy, my spark. Do you like this painting I have made?' Her wife pau

Well aren't you just knee high to a horse, you lovely little thing. Let me give your hair a ruffle, oh you're ever so cu- YOU JUST BIT ME. Why did you bite me? I just came along to tell you what's in this week's episode of Regular Features and now I shall have to get a shot for some kind of muddy disease. Serves me right for trying to be nice. Well here's the low-down I SUPPOSE: Matt has had a crazy weekend fistbumping rappers and trying not to be bullied by children. Steve has his hands on a precious audio tape of some dirty words from a beloved childhood figure. Log invites his friend Kirsten Dunst along to show us her nine different accents. Joe is angry at an older man again, this time for believing in himself. Look! I'm bleeding! That was very rude of you.

Well, there's nothing else for it, we'll simply have to do another episode of the Regular Features podcast IF IT SO SUITS THEIR HIGHNESS. In this one, Log fails to groom an heir to his publican throne, and Joe mourns the loss of the thing where the continuity guy talks about Hollyoaks over Danny Elfman music. Steve is here, as useless as ever, staring slackjawed into the sun like a statue. Love you!

You've been very good today so here's a podcast we made just for you, as a reward. Also, hey, that thing you're feeling stressed about doesn't matter, you're doing great buddy. Keep it up! In this episode, Steve is drafted in as the lord of the dance, Log unearths some horny personal ads from 1992, and Joe is put off his entree by a doddery old racist on the next table. TELL YOUR BOSS.

Steve ushers in a new period of respectfulness for the podcast, in which we deal with recent sad news in a fashion that cannot, surely, cause offence. Joe fearlessly takes on the biggest, most blistering incident to dominate the celebrosphere. Log sticks his tongue half out his mouth and talks about sucking off spiders, for the second time.

On this week's episode Joe, Log and Gav crack some of their famous 'wise' about malt loaf, heaven and bees. There's also some exciting news about The Regular Features Episode 500 Live Show!

Have you ever wanted to know how Regular Features' greatest stories came to be? Have you ever wondered how Grapesalicious gained her penchant for a piece of pink peppercorn? Or how Buck Pawchucker became mayor? What about how Gav surivived? Well, we answer NONE of these questions in this otherwise origin story-packed ordeal from Steve, Log, and Joe. Strap them lugholes into a helment - you're about to go back in time using only your freakin' ears.

Log, Matt and Gav get together to talk horoscopes or should we HORRORscopes??....no, actually horoscopes was correct. Sorry about that. There's also some stuff about a dog and I think Nish Kumar but I can't be sure.

Gavin and Joe infiltrated a world of alakazams by putting on cloaks and big hats and saying that they knew what a spell was, and now they present to you, the Regular Features reader, a special report on the Blackpool Magic Convention 2022. If, while you read this episode, your whole body falls off, don't be afraid - it's just magic. Kazoo Orchestra does Danse Macabre by Imaginary Kazoo Orchestra https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oj9yMUWjtyA

Ohhhh big stretch. Regular Features is all snoozy and cosy in bed! It is so warm and nice under the Regular Features duvet, we could just stay here forever. Do you want to climb in with us? There's a space here just for you! Don't worry about that thing you've got to do, just wiggle your way in between us and have a big yawn and a nice rest. That's right. We'll blow you sweet little kisses while you drift off. There we are. In this episode, Steve's got all sleepy. Joe can levitate now. And Log conjures James Van Der Beek. Shhhh. Shhhh.

WAHP! WAHP! This is an emergency broadcast from the Regular Feautures emergency storm bunker. Hello. How are you? Oh that's nice. We're fine thanks, but unfortunately... it is a major emergency!! Storm Eunice has really churned our butter this week, if you'll pardon the phrase, forcing us to seek shelter in our specialised, reinforced podcasting hutch three hundred feet below sea level. In the panic to get inside, three of the boys tragically got left behind and/or tragically kicked in the shins so me and Log could get a head start, meaning it's just the two of us down here. We will not apologise. From our subterranean lair, Log brings you feaures of dreams and USB cables, while Steve brings you features of USB cables and cowboys. Be safe out there xxx

Please accept this episode as a token of our friendship. If you collect ten tokens you unlock platinum level friendship which is the same as normal friendship except you are allowed to blow raspberries on our bellies while we giggle and cheep like baby birds. WHAT?! In this episode, Joe considers the romance of a milky twilight, Steve samples Bognor's emergent culinary scene, and Log blows open the gnarly depravity of 1970s telephone perversion as it pertains to kissing of the fannoy and bulbus. We'd best get on with it.

There's a legend around these parts, a legend about a kid who filled his belly button with bird seed and waited in the garden. "Any minute now", he thought, "a robin will land on my tummy and eat the seed out of my belly button!" But the Robin never came, because the boy kept rolling around and shouting and farting. His mother came out and said "you'll never catch a robin if you roll around, shouting and farting!" And the boy said "well I don't want a Robin then, Robins can suck it". And you know what? That little boy grew up to be the Dangerous Dogs Act 1991. Enjoy this episode of Regular Features, where a little crab with a secret teaches Sophie Ellis-Bextor the meaning of death, a goose gets looser than she's used to, and the full geometrical range of the Dr Oetker factory gets explored in thrilling detail! Musical credits: Onion Capers Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

This week we've got all the basic elements you need to make a regular features: Uber. Baby. Vibraphone. Capeesh?

Hello it's me, the grape stomping lady who fell out of a bucket of grapes in a viral video from 2007. In this episode of Regular Features, Winnie the Pooh falls into Log's public domain, and a falling log wins Joe's public acclaim (which is to say he saw a poop in a TV show and wondered what if all TV shows got a poop in their finale). I hope you enjoy the episode, Steve is in it too and he does a fart!! Love, Grape Stomping Lady from 2007

The world is a strange place right now but one constant is that Stephen Hendry is stuck in his panic room. Does he still have the famous yips though? That is one thing we just cannot know. Be safe, Stephen.

From our screaming throats to your hungry ears, it's another episode of Regular Features, the only podcast that's got us in it. In this episode, Joe chronicles the greatest number you've never heard about unless you read the episode title. Steve unlocks an exciting new octave thanks to possible permanent scarring of the larynx. And Log rates and review every mince pie within a ten minute mince pie fuelled sprinting distance. Let's go, actually.

Betty White is dead. We don't talk about that in the podcast at all. I'm only putting this here cause it just happened and I was hoping that someone finds out she's dead by reading this. Imagine that. Imagine your grandkids asking you "Grandma...do yous remembers hows yous founds outs Betty Whites wass deads?" and you say "Yes, it was from a podcast description text written by an odd Welshman" and they'll laugh as they take you back to your space nursing home in their rocket car.

Happy Crambleneir! In sihd shhue cramblrmhotj, Joem cmrma a visit vfrom "Secret Santana". Gav hoesgojs anfs an incident with a DDP courier. Amd Steve, well, he gocrob a charades qjid quid quiz caled charades. Thank you for all your support this year. We legit love you readers, and we wish you all the best for 2022. Let's do it. Let's crack it open. LOVE, REGULAR FEATURES X "BossaBossa" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) "Beachfront Celebration" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License