How To Be A Person

In this week's episode, Drucker and Dweck talk about how to do a packet for a late night show. Not that they're really experts. They've only had success like once or twice, but tune in for their discussion of our impending nuclear winter and how brave it is to love your curvy wife.

BoJack Horseman writer Kelly Galuska teaches us how to play fantasy football, how to break into television writing, how to work for MTV, how to write kindergarten poetry, how to not become a novelist, how to be a bad gynecologist, how to get followed on Twitter by J.K. Rowling, and how to come up with terrible puns. Then we unsuccessfully attempt to name Game of Thrones-themed fantasy leagues. As usual, if you like our podcast, please subscribe and review us on iTunes. It really helps people find us. And donate to our Patreon at Patreon dot com / hot to be a person.  

Comedian and writer Chase Mitchell teaches us how to completely start your life over, how to get over a breakup by getting a dog, how to deal with anxiety, how to experience love through Instagram likes, and how to convince other people to go to therapy.

In this solo episode, Mike and Jess are really tired and mostly just complain about life and how hard it is to get a job. So, basically, it's like any other episode. 

This week comedian Eli Olsberg teaches us how to go to sex parties, how to be polyamorous, how to use the word "play" in a creepy way, how to not show up too early or late to an orgy, how to get through a party where you don't know anyone and still leave with 100% iphone battery, how to not be a creep, how to get called a cuck online, and how to be polite and respectful to people while they're naked.

In this solo episode, Dweck and Drucker talk about how to celebrate America's birthday when you don't want to, how to enjoy summer movies, and how to analyze Jay Z lyrics. 

Comedian and comedy writer Dani Fernandez teaches us how to deal with a chronic illness, how to ignore bad doctors, how to love anime, how to run a marathon, how to poop in the bushes at Disney World, how to enjoy Dragon Ball Z despite the internet, how to grow up in Texas and live Friday Night Lights, and how to handle Hashimoto's disease. Then we play a game of "Explain Dragon Ball Z," in which Dani tries to explain Dragon Ball Z (obviously) to Dweck. It doesn't go well. But if you want our podcast to go well, please like and subscribe on iTunes and donate to our Patreon at Patreon.com/howtobeaperson.

"Jimmy Kimmel Live!" writer Gonzalo Cordova teaches us how to rescue a dog, how to handle a disaster at the Oscars, how to move from one racist city to another, how to escape Florida, how to attend comedy college, how to work at Comedy Central, and how to show your dog who's boss. Then we play a game of "Name That Dog," something we clearly made up on the "spot." Lol, we're professional comedy writers. Anyway, please subscribe and review our podcast. And if you want, donate to our Patreon at Patreon dot com / how to be a person.

Comedian Katie McVay teaches us how to live through bedbugs, how to get asked out by an exterminator, how to have a social life during an infestation, how to start your own comedy festival, how to get 12 concussions, and how to move anywhere.

This week, Drucker and Dweck messed up. Their recording failed twice and they ended up losing a whole episode. Will they fall on their sword for you? You bet. Can you forgive them? Oh God, please do. Next week will be better! They hope.

Dweck and Drucker talk about how to watch an internet meme grow and die, how to keep busy when you're not busy, how to sound like you're busy when you're not, and how to run a new live comedy show. As usual, if you like our podcast, please like and subscribe and donate to our Patreon at Patreon.com/howtobeaperson.

Comedy writer Rachel Klein (New Yorker, McSweeney's) teaches us how to deal with teens, how to convert to and away from ultra-Orthodox Judaism, how to buy a good wig, how to teach improv to religious people, how to love U2, how to mediate fights between your kids, and how to stop a bully. Then we play a game where Rachel comes up with the clueless parent name for stuff in pop culture. Also, if you like our show, please like and subscribe, and donate to our Patreon at Patreon.com/howtobeaperson.

This week Mike and Jess thank you guys for listening then talk politics and millennial hate. As usual, if you like our podcast, please subscribe and review our podcast (it really helps people find us) and contribute to our Patreon at Patreon.com/howtobeaperson.

Actor and comedian Lauren Ashley Bishop (@sbellelauren) teaches us how to get through the waking nightmare we now live in by switching up your Grubhub routine, how to manage depression, how to escape from Arkansas, how to reluctantly audition for mom roles, how to do short-form improv at a Bar Mitzvah, how to raise a cute rescue dog, and how to talk to Alexa. Then we ask Lauren to come up with captions for fake dog photos on Instagram. They are very good boys. The dogs. Or girls. Dogs can be anything they want. (DiSCLAIMER: No one on this podcast is an actual mental health professional. If you are suffering from depression, see a professional and do not take our dumb advice, except this advice to seek professional help. That's always good.)   As usual, if you like our podcast, please subscribe and comment - it really helps us out. And donate to our Patreon at Patreon.com/howtobeaperson.

"Yo, Is This Racist?" podcast host Andrew Ti teaches us how to punch people, how to start a successful podcast, how to be a creepy photographer, how to be a good blogger, how to know when you're being racist, how to enjoy the Matt Damon movie "The Great Wall," and how to not break your thumbs when throwing a punch. Then we play a game where Andrew tells us how he'd fight various public figures. He also tells us how he'd beat Drucker in a fight. Can he do it? Of course he can. Literally anyone can. As always, please Like and Subscribe to our podcast and leave a review if you liked it. And donate to our Patreon at Patreon.com/howtobeaperson.

Comedy writer Patrick Walsh ("It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," "2 Broke Girls") teaches us how to develop a network TV pilot, how to survive an awkward childhood in Missouri, how to annoy your way into becoming an NBC page, how to adapt a book into a sitcom, how to handle the insane pressures of network television, how to make a show about religion that doesn't piss everyone off, and how to do a Master Cleanse. Then we play "Loglines," where Patrick comes up with real descriptions for fake TV shows that we realize should be real TV shows. As always, if you like our show please subscribe and review on iTunes. And donate to our Patreon at Patreon.com/howtobeaperson. 

Comedian JF Harris teaches us how to make the most amazing cup of coffee ever. Trust us, you're doing it wrong.  As always, if you like our show, please subscribe and review us on iTines. And donate to our Patreon at Patreon.com/howtobeaperson.   

ScreenJunkies host Danielle Radford teaches us how to avoid fighting with family and friends online, how to get hit by a bus, how to make a living from nerd culture, how to show your family around Hollywood, how to be the only black person in an acting class, how to make fun of Bitcoin, how to understand Internet trolls, how to get comfortable with embarrassing yourself in front of strangers, and how to star in an acclaimed sci-fi B-movie. Then after explaining how to avoid Facebook fights, Danielle teaches us how to start them. And it gets real good. 

"Late Late Show with James Corden" and "Drop the Mic" writer Eliza Skinner teaches us how to improvise a song, how to be supportive, how to spin the "Price is Right" wheel, how to get started in comedy, how to rap as a white girl, how to have famous friends, how to be successful but still always afraid, how to put feelings in a song, and how to come up with a great hook. Then we have Eliza sing about recent news events. Baby Boss!

Drucker and Dweck talk about the passing of Drucker's grandmother and learn how to mourn a family member, how to value the arc of a life, how to have the worst birthday ever, how to help with a funeral, how to drunkenly burn yourself on a stove, how to use humor to deal with death, how to celebrate your 23andMe results, and most importantly, how to play Disney Yahtzee.