Limited Appeal

This week's episode starts as an urban legend and ends as an inventions and shit segment. Warren provides a public service by warning everyone about how many poop molecules get stuck to a toothbrush that is left near the toilet, and the conversation that follows is predictably unsettling. In spite of how nonsensical Warren's premise is, we spend a lot of time trying to solve this problem, and even reveal a heretofore top-secret invention by a friend of ours that may involve anal staples. Let us know what you think via email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Just in case you didn't get enough of last week's topic, this episode features more rectal goodness ­ see episode Luc's Special Honey for the preamble. John is surprised to discover that honeydew comes from an aphid's ass, but after some discussion appears to get excited about the prospect of drinking honeydew. We discuss the commercial possibilities and marketing challenges. In the superhero's phone booth, Warren proposes Biowarfare Chick, who mutates viruses after getting their attention, and "sicks" them on criminals. We accidentally stumble on the weakness of her crime procurement strategy: personal hygiene. And the delay between infection and illness. And the fact that every innocent bystander will also probably get sick. If you can think of any other weaknesses in this superhero, let us know by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Starting this week, Luc will be reporting from far afield for the indefinite future. (Translation, his audio is a bit weird, and we don't know why or how to fix it.) This week we determine analogous foods to honey, produced by other animals than bees. Of course, it would help if we had the vaguest idea how honey is made, which we don't. But that doesn't stop us from speculating on this subject and on how bird reproduction works. Then, entirely by accident, Warren stumbles on a rather good analogy for bees, which is aphid-farming ants. The moral of the story: aphids are like bees. To express your appreciation for this insight, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net).

Today's episode features the first instalment of our new contest: What am I eating? This contest will stretch over several weeks or months, and each of us will take a turn at stumping the others with clues in the form of audible mastication (I said mastication, you pervert). The winner will receive an as-yet unspecified prize. Feel free to play along, but keep in mind that our audio isn't very good, and you won't win a prize even if you're much better at guessing than we are. Submit your entries via email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). After we finish dining, we move on to discuss asymmetry in testicular positioning (except for Warren). Warren claims to have conducted an experiment supporting a theory, and this leads to all kinds of epistemological discussion on the nature of scientific theories, and the covariance between testicular and penile positioning. Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

John starts us off this week with an epileptic introduction. Then Warren revives a segment we haven't had in a long time by introducing a new, darker superhero. This guy turns 8-track tapes into weaponized bibles. Yeah. You read that correctly. Actually, they're just fucking bibles, but Warren likes to call them "weaponized" because he's a dick. If you think the whole setup is terrible, wait till you hear his name. I want to punch Warren in the neck right now, just thinking about it. If you feel the same way, let us know via email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings. Note: We're taking a week off, so listen to this one twice.

This week we begin with another segment of "Urban Legend", in which Warren guarantees you cancer if you eat 30 mushrooms or 15 000 pounds of bacon every day. T-bone volunteers to test this guarantee in order to trash his vagina. Nope, it doesn't make any more sense when you listen to the full segment either. Then, in the "Nature Walk", Warren describes exhibitionist mammals at a Home Show, and this leads to much discussion about the solo sex lives of non-human animals. Finally, Luc asks what is wrong with masturbating in public. If you think you know, tell us via email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

This is a vegetarian episode, as sadly there is no T-bone in this one. To begin this week, you guessed it, we discuss the word "cocksure". We get a bit distracted during the discussion: we consider the "universal opposite", and discuss why gruntled, flammable, and famous can't be made into antonyms with the usual prefixes. When we try to get back on topic, we end up chatting about "Happy Days". Then we discover the imitative origin of the words "cock" and "Warren". This reminds Warren of one of his co-workers who schedules "evening" meetings at 2 pm. We've censored random words in this discussion for no good reason at all. Our assumption is that your imagination is much funnier than our actual conversation. If you're feeling shitsure and think you know what the opposite of "says" is, email us with your suggestion (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We start out this week by trying to name 5 things that are not translucent. You'll have to listen to see if we could do it! Refer to episode Floppy Sock to hear us successfully name 5 things that are translucent. If you have an idea for us to name 5 things, send us an email at maskedman@limitedappeal.net. And don't worry - it doesn't have to be a good idea. Then we discuss why tall buildings don't have a thirteenth floor. Or why we should have to pay for a ferry boat with giraffes instead of cash. Damn that Hammurabi!

We start with another segment of Alcoholics Says. Warren introduces a new drink, which we attempt to find a catchy name for. This is kind of a pointless exercise, because Warren's own impression is that the drink is terrible. We do however stumble on Buckley's secret recipe! (Please do not sue us Mr. Buckley.) In a new low, Warren asks what it would take for each of us to eat our own poo. Sorry. I strongly recommend you don't listen to this segment. Seriously. If you insist, feel free to email us your complaints (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We begin by explaining headcheese to John in our latest Foody Goody segment. This leads to a discussion of why such a comestible can be called cheese, and we conclude that a food can be called anything as long as one of the words in its name is true. T-bone¹s anxiety about eating pig's feet is deepened when Luc describes how mushrooms are grown. Warren then asks when LOL is no longer sufficient to placate an offended text message recipient. Surprisingly, this leads to a whole lot of offensive conversation. We hope you're not offended (DNOEI!!!), but if you are, let us know in a cryptic acronym-ridden email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We begin with Warren attempting to impress us with his extensive knowledge of cricket, but we think he's full of shit. However, if your name is Tarnqvist and you know what silly-mid-off means, let us know (email maskedman@limitedappeal.net) so Warren can gloat. Then in Dictionary Plus, Warren asks why felching is so popular it's been dignified with a name. If you don't know what felching is, we can't help you. Try our old friend Google Images! Finally, in this week's Nature Walk, Luc describes a calf with an unusual eating habit. Moral of the story: never question a sacred cow, because he probably just cut himself shaving. Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We start this week's episode with a Nature Walk, in which Warren asks what animal we would most like to speak English. None of the answers make any sense, but I suppose that's not very surprising. Nor is John's affection for wildebeests. In Dictionary Plus, Warren asks for a non-offensive word for blitzkrieg, just in case you need to use it at church. Those ushers, they get out of control sometimes. If you know a bad Craig, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

This week we feature a prolonged Nature Walk, in which Warren asks why some people refuse to eat cute animals. Would you eat tuna if it were accidentally caught in a dolphin net? Naturally this topic leads to questions about prohibitions against sex with animals, especially rabbits. (What did you expect?) Luc questions why the Bible recommends the execution of animal victims of rape. Warren then asks us whether we would consent to our pet having a sexual relationship with a person. This of course leads us to wonder how to determine whether a pet is consensual. If you know the answer, let us know via email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Once Johnzo stops picking at it, we realize someone has punched us in the mail sack. Apparently some guy or girl left a comment on our myspace page complaining about belching in a recent episode. Curiously, she didn't complain about the rectal prolapse segment. Different folks, we guess. T-bone conditionally addresses her complaint, subject to the cooperation of Coca-cola and its corporate cronies. In the Urban Legend, Warren explains the origin of the phrase "riding shotgun". If you operate a bakery near Naples, you might consider erecting some protective barriers out front. If you know what riding shotgun is called when a woman is driving, let us know via email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

What does it take to have the rights to play "What Does It Take" by Honeymoon Suite? We don't know. But Johnzo isn't offering much. In Dictionary Plus, we try to determine how to revoke a "please". Hey, we're always trying to help. If you work for the Oxford English Dictionary, contact us via email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Finally, Warren issues an ultimatum to Ricky Gervais for stealing our format and making it funny. A reminder for anyone who is expecting us to be as funny as Ricky Gervais: this is what you get. Finally, we suggest a euphemism for smelly feet. Try it out when the guy next to you on the plane takes his shoes off. Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Our website tracker tells us what search terms lead visitors to the website, and we noticed recently that one inquisitive surfer stumbled onto our site after asking Google, "How do you know if your ballsack is shrinking". Recognizing that said web surfer must have been disappointed in our lack of shrinking ballsack-related web content, we decided to correct the situation. Do you have a question for our sexual health panel? Email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Finally, what would it take for you to agree to attend a $700 per plate event at which The Beach Boys play? If you are a fan of either The Beach Boy or the beach guyz, you probably won't appreciate our answers. Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We start with another Urban Legend in which Warren proposes that ingesting very small amounts of a substance produces the opposite of its effect in large doses. So for example, a small amount of caffeine might put you to sleep. Confused? It's kinda like, um, magnets. One end of the magnet is like a small amount of coffee, and the other end . . . ah fuck it. It's total bullshit. In Dictionary Plus, Warren proposes the elimination of two words from the English language. Then we remark on the imprecision entailed in the "half-mile club". Our new recommendations help distinguish all kinds of sexual groupings in planes. If you have any further suggestions, let us know by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

This week we return to Foody Goody after a long lapse to briefly discuss Warren's Chinese Wedding experience, complete with bloody shark-fin soup. Then, in Pooh Corner, we ask how arms manufacturers sleep at night. Turns out you don't become the CEO of an Arms Manufacturing company by accident. Who knew? In the course of the conversation, we end up promoting two movies and one book, and Warren even suggests an improvement for the book title. We'll be expecting a cut from the producers and publisher shortly. To arrange the payment, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Johnzo proposes a new insult invoking Braille and gooseflesh. In Pooh Corner, Warren asks why skill-testing questions are required for contest-winners. Answer: we don't know. Now skip ahead to 5:20. Warren asks what would happen if everyone, all at once, mosh-pitted, and this naturally leads us to naked slides and John Tesh. Admit it, you're curious. Finally, Luc corrects T-Bone about whether snails have asses. What they do with that arrangement is their own business. If you have any snail-porn, send it to us: maskedman@limitedappeal.net. Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We start with "What Would It Take" corner, and Warren asks what it would take for each of us to agree to sell his soul. Luc undersells everyone (perhaps a bit impulsively) before he realizes he has relinquished both his thermostat and his TUMS. A foolish man and his digestive aids are soon parted. As our resident philosopher, Johnzo finally comes to the rescue and explains exactly what to expect when we die: either nothing happens, or something happens. Profound shit, enh? We wrap up the episode with a considerably less-controversial subject: Hitler's mustache and his charisma. Were they related? Email us with your opinion (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings