Limited Appeal

All this talk of climate change has Warren worrying about obesity in squirrels. What happens if there's no winter to stop them from overindulging in nuts? This conversation segues seamlessly and predictably into talk about monkey masturbation. Warren's hypothesis is that if a monkey is awake, it is probably masturbating. T-Bone suggests that, contrary to popular opinion, excessive masturbation leads to hair loss on certain parts of the monkey anatomy. In another amazing transition, our conversation steers towards exercise programs for fat monkeys and adolescents that involve masturbation and/or video games. If you are a monkey or an adolescent, or know the aerobic value of their masturbatory habits, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We begin this week with a brand new drinks-related segment, Alcoholics Says. It's meant to be the opposite of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you don't find that funny, see Episode Four Plus. If it's still not funny, well, fuck you. Our relatively innocuous conversation about drinks soon turns into a rather nasty discussion about all kinds of ass-related ailments. We even discover which children's toy is the perfect analogy for a certain rectal problem. If you have a sphincter story to tell, or want medical advice on how to get your prolapse under control, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net).

In this week's episode, we begin with Sportage, and develop several exciting alternative rule sets for curling. How could curling possibly get more exciting? Just listen and find out. (OK, here's a hint: our ideas include fighting, exploding rocks, and bags of pubic hair.) As if that's not exciting enough, at one point Johnzo admits he has never seen Lanny McDonald naked. Loser! In Dictionary Plus, Warren asks us to find the opposite of the phrase, "There ain't no telling, I reckon." This predictably leads to a high-minded discussion about fuckin' epistemology. If you think you know the age of the tree from Dead Man Walking, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We start this week with the first ever Urban Legend segment that is NOT introduced by Warren, about goats and coffee. This leads T-Bone to propose a new method for getting drugs into your system. We take no legal responsibility for anyone who wishes to attempt T-Bone's suicidal technique. In sportage, Warren plays 3 NHL goal horns and following musical and asks us to guess the city from which the montages originated. The winner gets, well, just guess. If you want to complain about the redundant use of Blur music in NHL arenas, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net).

We start off this week by discussing the censorship of naughty and/or offensive lyrics. If you're an impressionable youth who can be unduly influenced by suggestive language, send us an email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net), and we'll fill your brain with all kinds of great ideas. Later, we have a chat about Gonzo the Muppet's sexual obsession with chickens. What the hell is Gonzo, anyway? And what does he get out of catching cannonballs? The definitive (or, one might say, the conanical) answers to these and other questions are certainly not in this episode. But have a listen anyway, will you? Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We start with a new kind of (as-yet unnamed) segment, in which Warren asks us to name five translucent things. Pointless you say? Maybe. OK, definitely pointless. But it's no worse than most of our banter, right? Maybe? Well, to make up for it, Warren discusses how painful his wisdom tooth surgery was, even though he was given every anaesthetic known to man. Can you guess where they injected his drugs when they couldn't find a vein? Finally, we try to find an analogy for a painful medical condition: the three-day erection. How long did your most persistent erection last? Let us know via email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net).

Welcome to Season 2! If you want to convey your surprise, congratulations, or disappointment that we're still producing this ridiculous podcast after more than a year, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). This week, after acknowledging General Patton vs. the X-ecutioners for our flashy new music, we move on to our first segment of the brand new season, Polish the Bishop, in which we attempt to decipher a cryptic euphemism. This leads to the quotable quip by T-Bone: "Why doesn't she just use a pair of socks?" In Urban Legend, Warren surprises us all by telling the truth for once, and it's at least as infuriating as when he's completely full of shit.

In this special double-segment, we wrap up our infamous Who's That Bird segment and award our long-awaited reacharound. In a surprise twist, we decide that the loser must provide said reacharound. Nevertheless, John maintains his strategy of being a complete jackass. Will it pay off? Listen, and find out! Learn about the accordion-shaped white laughing bird, the weeping football cannibal bird, and the two-fisted marine fisher in round one! As if that's not enough, we still have time to discuss Rich Little, the Three Stooges, and Toucan Sam before announcing a winner. Email us at maskedman@limitedappeal.net.

We start by asking why there are no milkmen any more (especially in light of their reproductive success). That segment really sets the bar low for the rest of the episode. Next Warren tells a story about a waitress who used to be a phone sex operator, and often spoke of manmilk (do you get the theme yet?). If you have ever called a phone sex line and heard of manmilk, let us know via email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Finally, Luc asks where you would like to obtain samples if you studied semen: your supervisor, your brother, a homeless guy, or a needle right into the "testes satchel"?

We know Tedmas is over, but since Ted has had such a huge influence on our culture, we thought naming a second episode after him was OK. We start with an Urban Legend segment exploring the origin of shirt wearing among human men. Turns out a nipple-tweaking prank got way out of hand, and no one could get anything done. Pretty obvious in hindsight, eh? Then we take a Nature Walk and discuss the reintroduction of Bearded Vultures to the Alps. Just like John, they don’t eat meat but they sure like the bone. Somehow, our discussion leads us to strange foods, such as mouldy cheeses and berries. If you know of anything even weirder than bones that can be used as food, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net).

For all of you searching for enlightenment about Runescape or Pamela Anderson's dink, you've been had. Hey, if you're feeling bad about this, at least you're not CENSORED, wearing a CENSORED because you broke your CENSORED. If you don't understand our censorship, please refer to Episode Waxorama. We understand that inside jokes work poorly in a podcast, but we figure that our show is bad enough that it doesn't really matter. In "Inventions and Shit", John lists his three favourite inventions of all time. Strangely, the butt-cork wasn't on his list. Surprised? Email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). We leave you with some sage words: if you leave a little lube, it always comes back to you. One more thing: neopets.

In this week's ETWTF, we try (with very little success) to explain Marilyn Manson to aliens. If you are Marilyn Manson, and care to clear up the confusion about your ball-mask and tits, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Then, in Inventions and Shit, Warren proposes developing a pissgauge. We never fully decide whether this is a good idea, but it leads to a lot of intriguing discussion on piss. Go figure! Finally, we consider the lengths to which some people will go to prepare for the inevitable clean-up following a masturbatory session.

We start by reaching deep into the mail sack. Actually, this is a response to a comment on our MySpace page (http://www.myspace.com/limitedappeal) from our monotarded friend (no offence, Karm). If you want us to talk about your own question, but not necessarily answer it, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). In Dictionary Plus, we discuss Reuter's euphemistic phrase, "oedipal expletive". They're a bunch of smart mother-fuckers over at Reuter's, eh? One more thing: Warren and John are ridiculous nerds. If it's not already apparent, we provide the final proof. (Pazam!)

We start this week by contemplating the likely pets of each of the other hosts. If you have any suggestions of pets that would be well suited for one or more of us, let us know via email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). In our "Nature Walk", John asks what the difference is between hair and fur. The answer may not be as straightforward as you think. What about sheep? What about teddy bears? Would YOU want a fur coat made of pubic fur?

This week Luc gets a bit irate, old-man style, about trendy new names for colours. Everyone else disagrees. In Inventions and Shit, we come up with a brilliant novelty item that is sure to generate millions. Ambitious inventors (or rock bands) should contact us by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net) to obtain our logo for the corner of the toilet paper squares, and to offer us a cut of the profits. Also, please visit our myspace page: http://www.myspace.com/limitedappeal!

We introduce a sexy-voice girl this week, who will help introduce some of the segments. What do you think? Let us know via email: maskedman@limitedappeal.net. We start this week's show with a discussion of Chicken Boo. He wears a disguise to look like human guys, but he's not a man, he's a chicken, boo! In Foody Goody, we debate the origin of cotton candy. Actually, we spend most of the time converting a cotton candy machine into an ass-cleaning implement.

Everything we talk about this week comes shooting out of someone's body. Isn't that a happy thought? In our increasingly popular "Urban Legend" segment, Warren explains how to properly prepare for peeing. His advice may sound far-fetched, but, well, it’s true. In "Foody Goody", we ponder why cows, sheep, and goats are the mammals of choice for the world's milk supply, to the apparent exclusion of all kinds of mammals (and fish). Which milk would be best for your breakfast cereal? Tell us via email: maskedman@limitedappeal.net

An extended episode this week, devoted to a special edition of Pooh Corner, in which we attempt to discover what evidence would prove or disprove the existence of god (or God). If you are expecting something sober and intelligent, you clearly haven't been paying attention to the rest of our podcasts. "Whoopie ti-yi-yo/ Oh happy Magellan/ Starting your journey/ With hardly a care…"

This week we offer slightly more than usual. Our inaugural segment of Dictionary Plus deals with the phrase "needless to say". Perhaps we needn't have bothered to say anything about it, but we do aim for more than is needed: what is needed...plus. We also feature our first "Sportage" segment, in which we propose alternate uniforms (uniforms plus) for denoting specific members of sports teams. Finally, in our "Foody Goody" segment, we vacillate wildly on whether or not gum is food. If you think you know the answer, allow us to persuade you that there are at least two (two plus) equally ridiculous points of view, at least one of which (one plus) you might not have considered.

Still more foody for your goody. Which kind of animal trimmings are the best? We reveal the long-sought answer in this week's episode. In our first "Sportage" segment, we discuss how Memphis managed to upset Oral Roberts. A long, complicated, story...