Hold Up

Back in ’93, or Before Shrek, we call it, BS for short, we were treated to a soft entry into the spooky dark comedy basement with So I Married an Axe Murderer. This flick was directed by Thomas Schlamme and features Mike Myers as the star character, but includes some familiar faces in bit-roles throughout. As the title suggests, Myers finds himself in a relationship with a woman he begins to suspect may be a murderer, and then we watch the comedic outlay of that. Also, he’s a beat poet, so, you know, poems… This flick did not make any money at all. However, it did secure a cult following afterwards. But does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent try to figure out if axe murderers have to use axes and if beat poets deserve beatings as we decide if this flick should get married or murdered.

Imagine this: it’s 1984, the date, not the bleak political statement, but nonetheless, you are concerned because you have just sat down with a finite amount of popcorn and candy but an infinite amount of story with the incorrectly titled The Never Ending Story. This story tells the story of a little meatball getting picked on all the time because he’s an intellectual, unlike the dullards chasing him from dumpster to dumpster. But this little bowl-cut kid wanders into a bookstore with a creepy old dude who orchestrates the theft of a book so the wee man can get some goddamn pleasure from somewhere. The kid mistakenly leaves the playboy behind and grabs the title book where a bunch of fantasy stuff is disappearing from the same thing you wish this writeup had more of: nothing. This flick made some serious dough, but it was more of a huge cultural moment for kids of the age, and we were such kids. So, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent enjoy giant titty statues and snail trails as we try our bes

Today, we travel back to a time of perms and material girls with James Foley's 1986 At Close Range. This flick features Sean Penn as a troubled young guy who wants to connect with his deadbeat dad and do some crime, but when the nice crime turns to bad crime, things get dangerous. Anywho, this flick lost money but has a ton of star power and most importantly, was a fan request so we did it because we're nice fucking guys (and you can always blame Mike). So, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent question who keeps giving Crispin Glover work and whether they are the same one who told Walken his stache was cool as we try to see if this flick can miss the target at close range. 

The year is 2000. The world is terrified of the Y2K bug, but not as terrified as Hollywood Directors were of Steven Soderbergh, who felt that his best chance of a Best Director Oscar was to be nominated twice, which paid off with a win for Traffic. Traffic tells the story, well, three stories actually, of the war on drugs from the viewpoint of a drug lord and his wife, a drug czar and his kid, and a drug cop and his Mexico. An ensemble cast stars in this multi-filtered flick, whose last names include Douglas, Cheadle, del Toro, Quaid, Zeta-Jones, Guzman, and Grace to name a few, and this drew in the crowds as this movie made $207M from a $50M budget and drew critical acclaim in the form of four Academy Awards, which is a feat considering the competition from 2000. But does it hold up? Listen as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss the beauty of Mexico, consistent colour palates and how much hand-held camera is enough as we try to figure out if this one is getting stopped at the border or if we have green lights all

Welcome back to the fairytale kingdom for Super Shrek Sunday! That’s right, this week we’re gonna do an animated flick, and it’s the mad ogrish, Shrek.  Shrek is all about the loveable, curmudgeonly ogre who goes on a mission to win back his swamp and ends up with a half-woman, half-ogre side piece and a talking donkey. Shrek made an ass load of dough, became a new cultural phenom, and delivered too many annoying quotes from everyone who thought they could do a Scottish accent…you know who you are, Steve. But does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate bad dragons and donkey shows as we do our best to determine if Shrek deserves its happily ever after.

We are travelling to the year 1990 this time, and we arrive from down under. Under where? Under Tom Selleck’s sexy Australian moustache, of course, while we check out his western drama, Quigley Down Under. QDU tells the tale of an American cowboy who heads to Australia for a job using his special skill, long-distance shooting. However, when he finds out he’s been hired by a genocidal Rickman, he flips sides and declares war on the homicidal maniac and his gang to save the Aboriginals and fuck the crazy out of his female companion. But the big question is, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate moustaches down unda and a surprising lack of Australian accents as we try to figure out if we need this moustache ride or want this moustache to hide.

In 1995 Sam Raimi woke up from his slumber to find Bruce Campbell running his fingers through his hair. “Quickly want some head?” Bruce asked. Sam, a still groggy little spoon, misheard him and the rest is history, Quick and the Dead was born. Quick and the Dead tells the story of a small town gun fighter tournament which acts as the setting for a revenge and redemption plot featuring Sharon Stone, Leo DiCaprio, Gene Hackman, and an unknown Russel Crowe. This flick brought mixed reviews and poor performance at the box office but was loved by many. So, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss walkable cities and dirt farming as we try to decide if this flick felt more quick or dead.

In 2010 the Coen brothers brought us a remake with real sand when they emerged from their Hollywood sex grottos with True Grit. Starring Jeff Bridges in the John Wayne role as Rooster Cogburn alongside Matt “rape stache” Damon, and Hailee Steinfeld in her breakout role as a young girl looking to avenge her father’s murder. This flick brought in a butt load of award nods and made a bushel full of cash along the way. But does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate the age limits in Texas and the benefits of a good ass stabbing as we decide if this one has true grit or is truly shit.

In 2012 a man who goes by the name Tarantino brought us a story about a man named Django and his chains or lack thereof in Django Unchained! Tarantino brought another amazing cast together for this love story backdropped in a terrible, and not-too-distant past, featuring Jamie Foxx, Samuel Jackson, Leo, and Christoph Waltz alongside many bit parts by faces like Walton Goggins, Don Johnson, and even Jonah Hill. This flick brought Tarantino and Waltz an Oscar each, overcame a pile of controversy due to his generous use of the “N” word, and over quadrupled its money. But does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent prepare to get winged as we debate stunt nuts and eye holes and try to decide if this flick has our attention or lost our curiosity.

In the ‘90s we were spoiled by Roland Emmerich as he first birthed the timeless classic, Universal Soldier, only to follow it up with the stellar, Stargate. This flick takes us across the universe through a goopy portal as we follow a suicidal soldier and a fringe scientist into an alien desert to anger the sun god himself. No, not George Hamilton, the other one… Anywho, this flick made an ass load of dollars and even spawned a group of superfans called, Gaters…I know, right? But does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent try to keep sand out of our vaginas as we worship false gods while we try to figure out if this gate should’ve stayed closed.

In the year two thousand there was a guy named Guy who made a movie that snatched our attention called Snatch. Coincidence? I think not… This was the movie that really birthed Jason Statham’s career and gave the world one of Brad Pitt’s most beloved characters, Mickey, in addition to like 30 more characters for you to fall in love with too. Snatch snatched $85 million quid(?) from Mr. Ritchie’s initial $10 million budget, found a large cult following, and was good enough that they let him make some absolute garbage following this release. But does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent look for ze-Germans in the London underground as we try to see if this movie proper fucks or if it has replica written all over it.

Just before the new millennium, Joe Johnston brought a young Jake Gyllenhaal to the screen with October Sky. Coming to us from the dawn of the space age as Sputnik eclipsed the stratosphere and ignited a passion in a few kids and their town, despite a couple of dads being dicks all the time... Jake plays Homer, the key ingredient in a rocket group soup and along with his friends they fight against tradition and black lung as they try to win a college scholarship to escape their hellscape of a town. This flick brought a modest return but found itself fondly nestled in the audience’s O-ring. But does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss wheezy towns and the welcome embrace of death while we set up our tripods and see if this flick fails to launch or makes us sputnik all over the place.

In 1999 a strange thing happened—an unknown writer and two unknown directors decided to make an R-rated titty movie for teens and sexually repressed adult men who didn’t get laid in high school, and it fucking worked! It also spawned a movie franchise with a total of nine films and countless exposed nipples, and the rest is history! The story follows our hero Jim and his horny friends Kevin, Oz and Finch (aka Shit Break) who all make a pack to punch their V tickets before they graduate. It seems simple enough, and trust me…it is. Each has a plan or scheme to accomplish this goal, but the only problem is they run into a lot of problems. Meanwhile, Shannon Elizabeth decides to get naked in Jim’s bedroom and read porn mags on his bed cause that’s what hot foreign exchange students like to do. Prom night comes, and each character’s journey leads them to surprising revolutions, including Jim, who gets raped by Michelle, the aggressive flute player who never shuts up about band camp…but does it Hold Up? Listen in a

In 2004, Quentin Tarantino concluded Beatrix Kiddo's revenge saga as she works to complete her journey to the showdown with the deadliest snake-charming hippy ever in Kill Bill Volume 2. KB2 has a wild cast, with Uma Thurman as the Bride, David Carradine as the Bill to be Killed, Michael Madsen as Bill's brother Budd, Daryl Hannah as one-eyed Elle, Gordon Liu as the man who eats Pies in May, Michael Parks as a Latino baby daddy, and a host of other familiar faces. Made for $30M, Kill Bill 2 brought back $150M in the box office and was pretty well received at the time of release. But does it hold up? Listen as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss censoring names, the best locations for assholes, and bad-guy monologues as we figure out if this one deserves to die after taking five steps or if cold revenge dishes go down as smoothly as Hattori Hanzo steel.

Hold onto your butts, folks, because on the latest episode of Hold Up, Jon, Colin, and Brent are locked, loaded, and ready to tackle the cinematic masterpiece known as "Enemy at the Gates." Is it a timeless war epic or a relic gathering more dust than grandma's strap-on collection? Well, strap in for a wild ride as these three self-proclaimed film aficionados take their shots at dissecting this flick. Picture this: Jon unleashes his witty banter like a sharpshooter aiming for your funny bone. Colin chimes in with his intellectual musings, making you question your own IQ and the sanity of the characters in the film. And then there's Brent, the wildcard of the group, who drops one-liners like grenades, leaving you chuckling and questioning if you've accidentally stumbled into a stand-up comedy routine. With their trademark sarcasm, the hosts hilariously pick apart every minute detail, from Jude Law's impeccable mustache to the heart-thumping sniper scenes that keep you on the edge of your seat, assuming your se

Today we are going waaaaaay back in time to 1957 as we go for a long walk on a short bridge with David Lean’s, The Bridge on the River Kwai. This is a World War 2 epic about a bunch of POW’s that are captured in a dense jungle prison camp and are at odds with the camp general who has been tasked with having them build a railroad over the aforementioned bridge, over a river called “Kwai”. But why? Supplies! Anywho, this has the guy that played Obi-Wan, so that’s cool. Oh, also, it was the top-grossing film and was nominated for a smack load of awards and won most of those. Nice. But, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss camp crushes and tantric seppuku as we try to figure out if this bridge was built to last, or if it is just MADNESS!

In 2007 Zack Snyder took the grand challenge of converting a beloved graphic novel into a film. He immediately crammed as many hot dudes as he could find into a gym and began work on his historical action adaptation, 300. Starring the chinniest man of them all, Gerard Butler, as the Spartan king Leonidas who will disobey the council and take 300 of his best soldiers to a doomed battle against the evil Xerxes and his overactive glands. This flick took the world by storm when it came out because of its graphic style and innovative art design, evidenced by the fact it made almost half a billion sexy abdominal-filled dollars. But does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate Spartans going commando and the best way to spear a man as we do our best to figure out if this flick made history, or needs to be discarded. 

Did you know San Diego means whale vagina in German? Good morning, San Diego, and welcome to the Hold Up Podcast, I’m Tits McGee, and today we’ll be going over Adam McKay’s 2004 guffaw-inducing, Anchorman. This flick is responsible for more requoted lines than any other movie (source needed) and cemented Will Ferrell’s place in the comedy Hall of Fame. Starring some famous faces earlier in their career, Anchorman is joined by Paul Rudd, David Koechner, Steve Carrell, the beautiful Christina Applegate, and a ton of other talented actors that you’d know if you saw them. Anywho, this flick brought in a whale’s vagina full of money and was an instant comedy classic, but the question remains; does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate the only rule of news fight club and what Bigfoot's dick smells like as we try to figure out if Anchorman is still 1st in the ratings or if it’s a used diaper filled with Indian food.

Marc Forster went for an ambitious trip down a fantastical dramedy avenue when he brought us his 2006 feature, Stranger Than Fiction. Showing Will Ferrell in a more sincere role than he’s typically known for, Stranger Than Fiction brings us into the world of the writer as God; toiling with their creations until somehow one becomes aware of their puppet strings and must find a reason behind them or risk seeing his early demise. This film has a great supporting cast, featuring Maggie Gyllenhaal, Dustin Hoffman, Emma Thompson, and Queen Latifah and was received very well, although not bringing home a massive payday. But does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate poetic deaths and mundane existence as we try to determine if this flick should save Harold Crick or if we should kick the writer in the dick.

Today we’re going old school with Todd Phillips' 2003 comedy hit, Old School. Luke Wilson stars as a loveable bachelor who finds his wife banging a ton of people and, as a result, finds himself learning how to live again. Fortunately, he has friends who help him get back under his feet by starting a frat full of mismatched outcasts. This flick modernized the old frat tropes, bringing a budding cast of comedy superstars and becoming an instant classic. But does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent go streaking through the quad while we debate orgy etiquette as we try to see if this is the one that got old or took us to school.