Limited Appeal

Are you ready for round 3 of our Who's That Bird contest: A-frickin' Edition? Well, get ready. Do it! Ah, forget it, we'll start even though you're NOT ready. Jackass. In fact, if you're expecting a detailed description of this episode so you'll have an advantage in the home version of Who's That Bird that we know you all play with your friends, forget it. Here's all you're getting: ungulate impressions, grounded asian beer, and just-about-to-die. Cop that, keyword search! I'm outta here. If you want to complain about the inadequacy of this week's episode description, send us an email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of Mugison and Ipecac Recordings.

In Music and Music and Music related things, T-Bone reveals that the sound of almost all classic radio jingles came from a single studio. This means that you're guaranteed to have been annoyed by the same small group of (apparently rich) Texans as everyone else who suffered through commercial morning radio. Thanks, Texas! Fuckers. Somehow, with little by way of segue, this leads us to a discussion on marriage. I don't remember how, and you shouldn't care. The point is that Warren defends a rather liberal and inclusive definition of marriage that includes all kinds of inter-species pairings, and one can only guess on whether he has a personal interest. My guess: he does. Take that, smart-comeback guy! Anyway, to wrap up the show, John's dog is either up to all kinds of obscene things, or is perhaps very warm. You figure it out. If you enjoy T-Bone's silky voice and want him to produce some jingles for you for less than $10000, send us an email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of Mugison and

Every episode could be a new season, but usually it isn't. Except this time! Welcome to Season 6. Yeah, we could hardly believe it either, and we should know better since we're in charge of deciding when the seasons change. Not like in a weather way, obviously – just the seasons associated with our show. Ahem. Anyway, this week in Name 5 Things, Warrens asks us to name 5 situations in which a "placebo button" would be helpful. The theory is that even if buttons aren't connected to anything, and therefore don't actually influence an outcome, the act of pushing one is somehow therapeutic when waiting around, and prevents all kinds of rage that might otherwise cause the collapse of society as we know it. You know, the kind of rage you might feel while waiting for an elevator door to close, or your tea to steep, or whatever. If you have more great ideas for placebo technology, send us an email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of Mugison and Ipecac Recordings.

We stage a brand new contest for this episode: Who's That Word, Football Edition! Warren plays three chants from English football (er, soccer for those in parts of the world where there is some ambiguity about the term), and the rest of us have to name the city/team whose supporters are doing the chanting. Easy enough, right? So long as you know a bit about English Football, can interpret the language of drunken, howling British soccer hooligans, and/or maybe can spare a thought for basic geography. Any guesses about which of these prerequisites we stumble on? If you guess right, you just might win a reacharound, but don't get too confident because John hasn't lost one of these contests yet…. To claim your prize, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net) and we'll arrange some form of a competition with the winner, presumably involving naked wrestling. Theme music courtesy of Mugison and Ipecac Recordings.

Can you speak Beaker? Oh. Do you also have a mental or emotional disorder? Riiiiggghhhhttttt. Anyways, in our first non-Beaker segment this week, Warren asks about the gap in radio music between the 60's and the classical music period. Was music so crappy in the Middle Ages (1800-1940)? Or was classical music just amazingly awesome? How square and lame is today's music? Why do some radio stations still play the Beach Boys? How many people need to die to solve this problem? Ahem. If you're a hardcore Beach Boys fan, would an earthquake and a Beyonce CD change anything? We recommend it. Let us know by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net) if it works. Footnote: Microsoft spell-check recommends I change "If you're a Beach Boys fan" to "If you were a Beach Boys fan". Nice work, Bill. URL: www.limitedappeal.net Theme music courtesy of Mugison and Ipecac Recordings.

Welcome to another Christmas Show! But not the same one, because that would just be lazy. No, instead we've baked a special batch of limited appeal that you'll find in a delicious rectangular box. Hee hee! Tasty box... Well, actually, I've not tasted the box proper, but it's contents are awesome. Take that where you will. Anyways, we're not sure we actually remember anything other than the names about either of the brands involved in our product comparison segment, so it's safe to say the actual usefulness of the segment is as limited as our appeal. Meh. But as useless as that part may be, our following discussion of chocolate shape will BLOW YOUR MIND. Wait for T-bone's new perspective on things. And hey, if it fails to blow your mind, have we really been worse than most Christmas albums? Really? Hmph. Merry fucking Christmas anyway. Ho! Ho! Ho! Send us your Christmas greetings via email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of Mugison and Ipecac Recordings.

Can you believe that sometime this month (or possibly last month depending on when you listen to this), someone will start the one millionth download of a Limited Appeal podcast? Neither can we. Anyway, Warren takes a verbal shit in this segment and asks you to have a look: anatidaephobia. Whaddya think? Don't get too disgusted or scared, because bulls and ducks experience vision that is like an old TV set, or a (moving) painting of T-Bone on a stone, respectively. Phew! If you can think of a better or worse cure for anatidaephobia than blinding every duck in the universe, or possibly just Warren, send us an email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of Mugison and Ipecac Recordings.

In this episode, we take a Nature Walk for Round 2 of "Who's That Bird: A-frickin' Edition". You'll learn about one or more of the following: geographic and environmental variation in pelican feather pigmentation, appendage-based locomotion in flightless ratites, birds that wear glasses, birds that fly constantly, 24/7, even when asleep, or that bees are different from birds. Actually, you may have learned some of this already just by reading this description! Unless you weren't paying attention. Or don't believe us. Or already knew some of the above, or don't care enough to remember. Come to think of it, there's not much point in me trying to predict what you've learned since I have no idea about your prior knowledge, motivation to learn, or susceptibility to our bullshit. Why don't you tell ME what you've learned after listening by sending us an email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of Mugison and Ipecac Recordings. Theme music courtesy of Mugison and Ipecac Recordings.

After a long hiatus (or maybe, if you aren't Hoss, after no hiatus because you've never heard of our stupid show), we're back with a new contest: Who's That Bird: A-frickin' Edition. Just like our earlier contest featuring New Zealand Birds, this time we venture to the dark continent (no racism intended) and check our skills in imagining the appearance and motivation of birds based only on their songs. Warren is playing the calls, which means he's reacharound proof for once, much to John's disappointment. You too may be reacharound proof (for now, at least), but play along anyway. Also, send us a design for a human perching prosthesis. Don’t worry! We'll credit you on the back of the package, and send you some form of royalties, maybe. One more thing: make sure to listen to our exciting new extro, and let us know what you think by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of Mugison and Ipecac Recordings.

This week, at long last, another much-anticipated Urban legend. Did you know that dildos were discovered by accident? Back in the 1940's people used to…, actually maybe it's best if you just listen, since I can't bring myself to type it all out. A few keywords should be sufficient to give you a picture anyway: celery branches, some guy called Dilbert, chicken wings, and cleaning the inside of one's anus. You may be asking yourself how we could possibly tidy up the episode after such a brilliant beginning, but if so you're being rather presumptuous. We're not big on cleaning up. Instead, we narrowly fail to scar Warren's retina during an attempted googlewhack exercise, and narrowly fail to rickroll you, our listeners. If the song gets in your head now, it's not entirely our fault. It's the same as with anything! Email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of Mugison and Ipecac Recordings.

We begin this episode in Pooh Corner, where we try to answer the following question posed to Warren by a fortune cookie: how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? You may think you know the answer, but our discussion should make you think twice, as we vacillate between rather determined answers of "a bit", "not at all", and even a rather persuasive "maybe it would even get shallower without sponges". And if you think you've got sponges cased, how about lobsters? It turns out this is a really complex question. In the end we settle on a satisfyingly vague set of two solutions: either "maybe," or "it depends". So now you know. If you have a similarly vexing fortune cookie riddle, let us know by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net) – we're always happy to solve our listener's problems. Theme music courtesy of Mugison and Ipecac Recordings.

After seeing a documentary on the Discovery Civilization channel that recounted the sinking of the Titanic from the iceberg's perspective, in this week's edition of Name 5 Things, Warren asks us to name 5 other stories that would benefit from similar treatment. We spend a bit of time going over the details of the iceberg's perspective, which is tricky since the iceberg had no voice, and there may have been a fair amount of speculation on the part of the Discovery folks. We eventually suggest a few events that might be similarly lame, which is maybe good enough to wrap up an episode, or if not, it's at least as good as Spiderman. If you disagree, send us email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of Mugison and Ipecac Recordings.

After some trash talking with Richard Simmons, Warren opens a Foody Goody segment by asking the rest of us about sitcom errors in classifying fruits and vegetables. This discussion necessarily involves mentioning the reproductive organs of plants, and you can probably guess what that leads to. Yes, you're right: Warrant. Anyway, who knew the politics/taxation policy of vegetables were so complex?! You did? Oh. Well who invited you, Mr Law Talking Man? Asshole. Anyway, if you're still listening, which I doubt, see if you can follow our triangle of strawberries analogy, which I also doubt. Whatever. Email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of Mugison and Ipecac Recordings.

URL: www.limitedappeal.net. After dropping some new tunes to start season 5 (how exciting), we diagnose Luc's elbow in "Your Body and You". If you've heard our show before, and for some strange reason you're still listening, you'll know that our medical advice should really never be taken seriously, but play along anyway. Can you guess which of the following is not in our list of recommended treatments? A) Amputation; B) Rest; C) Ice; D) Reacharound; E) Moisturizer; F) Burning. Winner gets a reacharound – just email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net) to arrange collection of your prize at a time and place that is convenient for both you and John. And if YOU have any medical concerns or questions, please pass them along! If you're quick, you might get this for free, just this once. Theme music courtesy of Mugison and Ipecac Recordings.

We begin by trying to decide whether it's a good idea or a bad idea for a transport company to use the slogan, "If it's on time, it's a fluke". Turns out you can interpret this in many ways, but don't get all crazy and start denying antecedents, now. We don't go in for logical fallacies. Can you name one important way that trucks are like flatworms? No, that's not it. Nope, wrong again. Don't you know anything about mouth/anuses? Ah, well, if it's any consolation (and it shouldn't be), you're not alone. And you could always try to top John in the dumb-stakes by emailing us with YOUR genetics question (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Did you know that CTV is planning to remake every episode of The Littlest Hobo, but this time, a man plays the dog character? Or maybe you've never even heard about The Littlest Hobo? You really should stay in more. Anyway, if you found the old series a bit far-fetched, wait for the new one, which will be "edgy" and "fresh"! Meanwhile, listen as John reveals his confidential stories about how he made summer partner by being Mr. Gropey. He also tells us about a particularly exciting employment dispute he had to summarize: loads of emails and other fascinating shit, along with a bit of dry stuff. Hard to imagine such a roller-coaster life, enh? Maybe tomorrow, we'll want to settle down, but until tomorrow, send us an email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings. URL: http://www.limitedappeal.net

Have you heard about the Hadron Collider? Not the same as the hard-on collider, which is a different thing, I think. Anyway, if you've not heard of the first, maybe that's because people in the future are trying to stop you from hearing about it. It's as if someone is going back in time to save the universe from a massive cosmic traffic accident. (They're presumably perfectly OK with you learning about hard-on colliders.) Or maybe the workmen are just enjoying some cheesecake. Maybe you should do the same, instead of going jogging. Or send us an email instead (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). And whatever you do, keep on trucking! Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings. URL: http://www.limitedappeal.net

Is no sad – is part of life! This year you get a brand new Tedmas episode, which is surprising given our recent lack of podcast productivity. You're welcome! We begin with a festive edition of Name 5 Things, in which Warren asks us to name five foods that should become part of the traditional holiday menu. How would YOU modify candy canes? Think carefully now, because if you consider it properly we’re confident you'll agree with T-bone's suggestion. There's not even any mustard involved! Sadly, T-bone doesn't know how to shape things into a candy cane, so if you've got any food engineering skillz, contact us by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Finally, some questions to keep you pondering until the New Year: Why are there no corn nog flavoured pudding pops? Why can't Ukrainians count to 12? Are women scared of nipples? Should T-bone stop wearing transparent pants? Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings. URL: http://www.limitedappeal.net

Don't ever do a segment, and then stop doing it, if it's possible that we might have had that idea, should we have had a video format. Got it?! Glad we cleared that up. Maybe you can return the favour and clear up our confusion about the phrase, "If it's 130 yards, it's a foot!" What the hell does that mean? We discuss this for quite some time, but since we have even less of a clue than usual, it's mostless pointless. John does get humourously annoyed about George Costanza, though, so it's not a total waste of time. Let us know what you think of Paul Schaeffer by email (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We hope you're enjoying your sippets. We begin this week with Foody Goody, in which Luc explains that there's no such thing as Swiss cheese. If you think you've had some, you're deluding yourself. Yes, you are! Anyway, while your mind is still blown, consider this: we didn't start the fire. It was always burning. Did you know that in many French-speaking communities, French toast is called "pain perdu", which means, loosely, bread that was too proud to ask for directions? It's true. No matter what you call it, we hope you enjoy your Hungarian furry bread. If you want to tell us how many sippets you have, and whether they are inflamed, email us (maskedman@limitedappeal.net). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.