Roses And Thorns

Move over, Hannah G! Caelynn and Nicole have taken over as the Bachelorettes of the island (maybe it's not an island, idk), and apparently the Mayor of Paradise has arrived. Also, Ryan and I discuss who we would want to date if we were on the beach with the current cast.

It's paradise time, ya'll! And things are already getting coconuts. We got the scoop on the Caelynn and Blake drama, and we're ready to dish!

It's the finale, and what a ride it's been! We combined the 2 part finale episode into one mega episode so you get the uninterrupted enjoyment of listening to us talk incessantly. 

This week we talk about that ICONIC rose ceremony where Hannah showed what a boss b!tch she is, the Luke P show, and a sprinkle of other stuff. Tune in!

This episode should be shown in sex ed classes and feminist rallies. I'm so stoked about the way Hannah handled herself, how Tyler respected her, and that we were able to see an example of two consenting adults banging in a windmill. This was everything.

HOMETOWNS! Lisa's here this week to discuss hometowns with us. We also take some time to teach you a little Mandarin Chinese, WWII, Puerto Rico, the housing market in Jupiter, and more!

Half the people get a one-on-one date (apparently there are 3 one-on-one dates the week before hometowns?), meanwhile Connor gets passed up and accused of not trying hard enough. There's a three-on-one with zero planned activities (is that normal?), and Garrett surprises us by razzing Luke instead of getting angry.

More info about secret girlfriends of our Bach guys, conspiracy theory that Hannah chooses no one, Luke proves he's not only the definition of "psychopath" but is also textbook "gaslighting." And can we stop it with the lane puns? It's getting out of control.  BREAKING NEWS: Hannah wasn't actually naked when she bungee jumped. She kept her undies on.  Also, BREAKING NEWS: Peter's a pilot. He hadn't mentioned it in a couple of episodes, so I totally forgot. Thank god he reminded us.

Our "special" guest Louise is back for her final episode! She's been upgraded to co-host this week and is giving Ryan a run for his money. Tune in as we give a rundown on the upcoming Paradise cast, share breaking news about honeybuns Jed, and then begrudgingly discuss this sorry excuse for an episode. And once again, sorry about Kelly's microphone. She's somehow still not sure how to use it properly.

The boys go to Scotland! We get a solid 20 minutes of Mike time *swoon*, an inappropriate group date, and Luke's 1-on-1 with SO MANY RED FLAGS WHY IS HANNAH IGNORING ALL OF THE RED FLAGS?? 

We're very verbose this week: Bachelor Nation news starts at the top, news related to this season starts at 13:43, and the actual recap starts at 28:27. But if you skip around too much, you might miss out on why Peter Kraus is kind of a d-bag and why Cam might not be! In the recap section of the show, we'll discuss Jed winning over all of Bachelor Nation with his honesty, Puke P solidifying his sh*tiness, that we might buy Luke S's tequila, that Tyler was OK (I guess?), and how Mike seemingly doesn't know he's a millennial. Tune in!

In this episode, we cover Cam losing his sh*t, Luke losing his sh*t, and then whatever Cam was doing at the end. Also, apparently there's more to Peter than just being a pilot - who knew!

Cam is creating his own rule book, Luke clearly has a playbook, and Jed is doing everything by the book. (Seriously, do we not all love Jed by this point?)

It's the moment we've all been waiting for -- Hannah B's first night at the bachelorette. Tbh, I didn't think I'd like it. But did I? Listen and find out!

ABC has finally updated those garbage photos they released in March and released the deets about the guys. Also, thanks to the Reddit gods, we've got some tea on these dudes. Tune in to see what Hannah B will be working with!

Our final episode of Colton's season!

Colton endures 3 break-ups within 24 hours, Cassie learns about the fence jump, Colton does a terrible job of introducing Cassie to his family, the two of them might both be happy?, and Hannah (B) is the new queen.

Guys. It happened. It finally happened. The fence jump. Also, other stuff happened, and we totally talk about that stuff, too, but that fence jump tho!

WHERE'S THE FENCE JUMP?!

We have another "special" guest this week! There may be too much giggling on this episode - not sorry - and we definitely take sides on the Tayshia-Kirpa v. Caelynn-Cassie debate.