Don't Do It Yourself

This week we give instructions that are usable for everyone. From how to date a hobo (here’s a hint: treat all of her ‘personal space’ as her ‘stabbing zone’) to how to twerk yourself dry after a shower. After that, your led on a nightmarish, haunting journey as Count Demonnance, Queelor, Queen Danceatron and Rasputin Vanderdouche discuss how to start your own Wiccan coven. The result of their witchery is less impressive than the male anatomy in Zero G.  This episode is brought to you by the University of Phoenix Airlines and T-Pain’s omeletator Note: Like every one of our episodes, you should watch The Craft before listening to this.

Look, I'm not going to lie to you. This one is dirty. We don't normally don't make this many dick jokes, or talk about where condoms go when they die, or make up drinks from a bartender bible called "Play with your Cocktail", or come up with horrifying scenarios where Chris Hansen gives away his progeny to catch a predator. Or Chris Matthews. Promise. But in between that we tell you how to be the rebel at your school, how to make the dream friend you've always wanted, and what to do when you lose your child in the woods. I'll give you a hint: it involves Chris Hansen. But we call him Chris Matthews.  

Gather around, children, for our most storied episode. If you were ever curious about how Mike feels about clowns, or how Zac feels about dipping sauces in goth clubs, or how dumb Clay was when he was 13, then this is the one for you. We try to get our friends to dress like us by releasing moths in their home, we turn to hipsters to see how to live without a computer, and finally we try to tackle our clown and mime fears. Also, we talk about John Claude Van Damme a lot. 

Hola oyentes y bienvenidos a hacerlo no lo hace usted mismo! ¿Cómo se dice armario montaña? Oh, I'm sorry! I Meant: Hello listeners and welcome to Don't Do It Yourself! This week Zac forgets words and is relentlesly made fun of. We cover some sweet topics like making the coolest band name ever, like... Mountain Closet, or "CLAY AND MIKE ARE DUMB". Then we forge forward into how to use aluminum foil and how to foil your plans to be a forever-cosplayer. So come on.. Don't Do It Yourself! -Zac

Tired of bullies saying you hug too much and make them uncomfortable? Running from robot gimps from the future? Have no fear, listener, because we have options for you to protect yourself in this cold, dark world. Maybe you could enroll in our martial arts school Don’t Dojo Yourself and learn the ancient art of Shock and Caw? If that’s too violent don’t worry, because a little furry Morpheus has got your back in all of life’s problems when we talk about how to be the best guardian angel. It’s going to be like City of Angels without the car crash, with you as Meg Ryan and Nicolas Cage as a raccoon. After that we’ll discuss the masochist apocalypse and then embrace you with open arms and never, ever let go. So come a little closer and Don’t Do It Yourself (ever again)!

Hello and welcome to Don't Do It Yourself where we love you and think you are beautiful. No wait! Forget what we just said! Shit, well, on this weeks episode we try to not say I love you and we fail miserably. But pushing forward we give some actual advice on hitting on women in public and we love you. Goddamnit! We are bad at this. So come on, Don't Do It Yourself. (and we love you.)

Hello listeners, join us this week as we tackle some tricky topics! If you've ever wondered how to pay attention to boring things or people (or how to weird them out so you don't have to) then you have the right episode. With that helpful information out of the way we move on to an updated, yet messier version of the UFC. If you make it to the end then the this weeks image will make much more sense (Tim, if you see this, we need to talk...), so come on friend, don't do it yourself!

After a small hiatus we come back full force with a  jammer's threesome of advice on how to prepare for a date (hint: it requires more than just man-scaping.) Then we flip the whole thing on its head and the divorce horse starts handing out sweet, sweet justice .  There are some things you can't do alone, so come on gang, don't do it yourself.

This week we get into all things spooky for a special Halloween episode! We have some practical candy checking information from the 90s you can implement.. If you don't die of fright from the super spooky Pumptagram story that is! So dress up like a Spartan and kick a child off your porch, 'cause it's time for Don't Do It Yourself. 

Today we covered Lady Gaga's ascension as a hamburger phoenix, discussed our next business venture as vintners and who to eat first if we find ourselves in desperate situations. Also, this was the 2nd take in a week and for some reason all the cars in Seattle decided to have a car orgy outside our window while recording, so we're sorry about all the noise.  

(Our recording got wiped this week, so we made another and are putting that one together now. This is part of our pre-episodes, where we were trying to figure this whole thing out.) Are you mainly interested in: baby astronauts, tin foil grills, spilling on yourself, or having a never-ending goldfish? This episode is for you! Have you ever wondered if you have a child you don't know about? Yeah, me either, but we help damn it! We spark it off with how to avoid any awkward situation with a sweet, stylish new handshake, so grab your best friend and Don't Do It Yourself.

If you need to get drug-dealing squirrels out of your neighborhood bird feeder, then this isn't going to be helpful at all! Feel free to break those down for a choose-your-own-adventure including militias, buttered bird poles, and a cocaine ghost! If that isn't good enough, we go in-depth how to deal with your half-scorpion/half-woman girlfriend. All these plus a weird conversation about carnivorous weed plants, so come on, Don't Do It Yourself!

WOO-WEE! Wrap me up in a steak suit and call me baby, 'cause we're going cougar hunting this week! And I don't mean Janet in accounting, because following our own advice, we got her ass fired. These fun topics plus a delicate chat about diaper fetishes... which I guess you can't do alone, so.. Don't Do It Yourself!

After arguing the Pointillist vs. Pugilist debate, we dive into a dolphin tank to tackle the difficult question of how to get that mammals' blood! Not sure if we helped on the home fire drill, but you might want to consult a lawyer before proceeding. All of this and more Harry Potter puns than you can shake a broom at. So come on, Don't Do It Yourself!

(Part of our pre-episodes, where we were trying to figure this whole 'podcasting' thing out. We'll be putting these out with our actual episodes until we are caught up!) Ever wondered about Bigfoot/Mermaid interactions? Neither had we until this weeks episode! We also get to heart of being seductive.. and when NOT to use it! Also: no drowing!  Covered Wikihows How to smile with your eyes How to eat chocolate seductively How to avoid drowning How to care for a shocked hamster How to become a mermaid/merman How to search for Bigfoot How to not avoid dating if you are married How to not avoid dating if you are married

On this flagship episode we chronicle the sad life of a lonely diorama maker. But don't get too upset, we tackle a much softer topic later: cats! You've got the questions, and we can help. So come on, don't do it yourself! Movie Game: Why you shouldn't live with a rapper, corporeal or not. Covered Wikihows How to collect tips as an exotic dancer                                                    How to be enigmatic                                                                                       How to sneak your cat into work                                                             Requested How To:  How to tell if a diamond is real Movie game  8 miles of paranormal activity